The Videogames of Elfland

I have long thought that Elfland -- the Doc Sidhe / Last Hot Time vision, all 30s jazz and silver -- would make a great setting for a Grand Theft Auto game. Gangsters, guns, big shiny cars of classic make, Art Deco skyscrapers (via Allston) and smoky clubs (Ford). Screaming down the highway, dodging trolls on motorcycles and the Wild Hunt in a pale convertible. And the scenery would be amazing.

Any number of stealth/assassination games would work just as well about stealing babies for changelings. Sneaking through the moonlight, hiding from cats, dodging barriers of iron, there's a mortal -- phwut! elfshot. Hey, a bowl of milk. Plus ten health. If a house doesn't leave the milk out, there's your target.

The whole line of music (Guitar Hero) and rhythm games is very popular under the hill. When you play Dance Dance Elfland, you can't stop dancing until dawn. Can't.

I'm not quite sure where Pac Man (Puck Man?) is going, but once you let one of those flashing power-pills past your lips, you'll never return to yon mortal green. And when you lose a life, well, you'd better keep playing, to win it back again.

If you beat the Queen of Faerie at Mortal Kombat, by the way, she'll cut off your bonnie bonnie thumbs and replace them with two thumbs of tree.

(We won't talk about what happens if you PVP her in World of Warcraft. Rumors of people trying to hold onto a cable-modem as it turns into a Trailblazer, a Smartmodem, an acoustic coupler, and then two rusty cans strung together with poison ivy are certainly exaggerated.)

And whatever you play, keep an eye on the calendar. Time doesn't flow the same way when you're caught up in those things. Really, I sat down to play Rez one time and when I beat the final boss, seven years had passed. Well, a long time, anyway.

-- July 17, 2006.

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