Written by Andrew Plotkin for the Indigo Speed-IF challenge, April 2011.
Release 1.1, May 7, 2011
Parts of the software and design © 2010 IDM. Undum is available here. Derivative works must include this copyright line and link. (Undum modifications by Andrew Plotkin.)
You stagger up to {MONSTER|its|the gourd's|the magpie's|the squid's} lair. Blue sand drags at your feet.
Your hands don't tremble — well, much — as you ready your new weapon. the axe you borrowed from the woodshed. your new sword. your new spear and sword. Your voice doesn't quaver (hardly at all) as you shout out the words you were taught. the words every child knows: "Ready or not, here I come!" the words of protection. the words of valor and protection.
One, two! Dive and roll! Jump! Attack!
...That wasn't so hard, was it? You defeated the monster, and it's not even bedtime yet.
You spend the rest of the day laboriously chopping the carnivorous squash into buttery, barrel-sized wedges. As the sun sinks into the west, you load them onto your cart and turn towards home — weary and sticky with gourd-juice, but triumphant.
You fling yourself into the giant magpie's nest, and come up laden with glittering necklaces, shining ropes of jewels, and the occasional highly polished armoire. (It was a really big giant magpie.) You'll need a yard-sale the size of your entire manor to sell this lot, but it was worth it.
You scurry down to the tide-line, leaving the squid-monster sprawled among the dunes. Really, nothing should ever have that many tentacles. You unchain the prisoner, who is duly grateful; but you are more excited by the prospect of the anatomical paper you're going to write when you both get home.
Your older {CHAR|brother|sister} set out before you.
Your oldest {CHAR|brother|sister} did not know where the {MONSTER|-|monster squash|giant magpie|squid-beast} lived, so {CHAR|he|she} stomped boldly into the forest.
Your older {CHAR|brother|sister} did not know where the {MONSTER|-|monster squash|giant magpie|squid-beast} {ONEBEGUN|lived,|lived either,} so {CHAR|he|she} {ONEFOREST||also} marched blithely into the forest.
{CHAR|He|She} didn't find {MONSTER|-|the fiend's pumpkin patch.|the fiend's nest.|the fiend's cephalopoddiere.} Instead, {CHAR|he|she} {BOTHFOREST| came across a madman, all in rags and wearing a black mortarboard hat piled high with ice cream. The madman was crouched over a pile of rocks, busily banging them together and whispering to himself. | too discovered the madman and his pile of rocks. The man's face was smeared with marshmallow fluff, and he cooed sweet imprecations at the rocks as he pounded away. }
Your {CHAR|brother|sister} frowned and tried to sidle around the madman, but he would have none of that. {CHAP|"At last!" he shouted, jumping up. "An apprentice! None shall pass! Wave this!"|"Ha!" he shouted, jumping up. "A new student! None shall pass! Here, wave this!"} Your {CHAR|brother|sister} found {CHAR|himself|herself} holding a battered fan of banana leaves.
Feeling foolish, {CHAR|he|she} waved the fan.
A great burst of fire flared up. When the smoke cleared, {CHAR|he|she} was holding the handle of an enormous set of bellows, which was attached to an enormous forge beside an enormous anvil. An even more enormous blacksmith was hammering away at a red-hot {SWORD} there.
Pausing to {CHAP|flick hot fudge|wipe ice cream} from his brow, the blacksmith thundered, "Almost got it! One more pull!" Your {CHAR|brother|sister} hauled away, sparks flew, and in moments the {SWORD} was finished.
"Take this," said the blacksmith. {CHAR|He|She} did, and {CHAP|struck a noble pose|swung it about wildly}. Surely, {CHAR|he|she} thought, {CHAR|he|she}'d defeat that {MONSTER|-|squash|bird|squid} {CHAP|with no trouble!|in an instant!} Take that! Oops.
"Hm," the blacksmith observed. "The balance isn't very good for you, is it? Do you have a younger brother or sister?"
{CHAP|"In fact I do."|"As it happens, yes."}
"Well, pass the {SWORD} along, with my blessings."
"Don't be {CHAP|ridiculous|absurd}," {CHAR|he|she} said. "Everyone knows that it's helpless old {CHAP|women|crones} in the forest that turn out to be disguised fairies. Not madmen with ice cream on their hats." And with that, {CHAR|he|she} continued on into the forest.
You follow {BOTHFOREST|your {CHAR|brother|sister}'s trail|the trail of your siblings} into the forest. You soon discover the madman, still banging wildly on his rocks.
"Here!" he shouts. "You must help me! Wave... er..." He roots around in the underbrush and hands you an old twig.
A great burst of fire flares up. When the smoke clears, you are holding the handle of an enormous set of bellows, which is attached to an enormous forge beside an enormous anvil. An even more enormous blacksmith is hammering away at a red-hot {SWORD} there.
Pausing to wipe ice cream from his brow, the blacksmith thunders, "Almost got it! One more pull!" You haul away, sparks fly, and in moments the {SWORD} is finished.
"Take this," said the blacksmith. You try a few lunges, and marvel at the {SWORD}'s perfect balance.
"You are blocking the road," {CHAR|he|she} shouted, "and I would give you a kicking if I weren't in such a hurry. But that ice cream looks nice." And {CHAR|he|she} took a fingerful.
"Bloody cheek," muttered the madman, and snatched his hat back so quickly that your {CHAR|brother|sister} couldn't blink. "Be off, if you're in such a hurry."
Your oldest {CHAR|brother|sister} did not know where the {MONSTER|-|monster squash|giant magpie|squid-beast} lived, so {CHAR|he|she} trotted hurriedly along the river.
Your older {CHAR|brother|sister} did not know where the {MONSTER|-|monster squash|giant magpie|squid-beast} {ONEBEGUN|lived,|lived either,} so {CHAR|he|she} {ONERIVER||also} traipsed carelessly along the river.
{CHAR|He|She} didn't find {MONSTER|-|the fiend's pumpkin patch.|the fiend's nest.|the fiend's cephalopoddiere.} Instead, {CHAR|he|she} discovered {BOTHRIVER| a frail old woman on a pebbly curve of riverbank. | the old woman on the riverbank. } She was standing with her hands on her hips, a frown on her face, and her legs {CHAP|sunk ankle-deep|caught knee-deep} in a pool of peanut butter.
"Well?" she asked snippily. "A little help for a frail old woman?"
Your {CHAR|brother|sister} {CHAP|stared blankly. "How did that—"|looked puzzled. "How did you—"}
{CHAP| "Never mind!" snapped the old woman. "Mistakes were made! Plans have gone awry. Contingencies failed to be foreseen. The situation has been reviewed and the malefactors," she glares about, "have been punished. | "Let bygones by bygones!" snapped the old woman. "The situation is under control. Investigations are in process. Personnel have been let go and the case," she added pointedly, "has been closed. } Be a dear, though, would you, and give me a hand?"
Your {CHAR|brother|sister} {CHAP|went hunting fallen tree-limbs to slide into the peanut butter|gathered dead branches to brace across the peanut butter pool}. In a few minutes, and with a most astonishing {CHAP|slurping|sucking} sound, the woman had pulled herself free.
{CHAP| "That'll never come out of the silk," she muttered, inspecting her stockings. The pool burbled a dire taunt. "Maybe if I rub them with bubble gum... Are you any good at laundry?" | "There go a couple of good walking shoes I won't see again," she muttered, glaring irately at the pool. It burbled back in evident satisfaction. "I don't suppose you—" }
"No, no, I have a {MONSTER|-|gourd-monster|bird-monster|squid-monster} to find," your {CHAR|brother|sister} said hastily.
"Really? They never bother me. Do you know the words for 'em?"
Your {CHAR|brother|sister} did not, and listened attentively as the old woman pronounced the words. "Just shout 'em out — {WORDS|should give the old critter a nasty turn.|should put some strength in your bones.} Then get in quick with the sword. You do have a sword, don't you?"
{CHAP|"In fact I don't."|"As it happens, no."}
{CHAP|"Horromph.|"Hurrumph.} Maybe you should pass those words along to someone who does, then."
"I wouldn't want to spoil your fun," {CHAR|he|she} replied. {CHAP|"Besides, I avoid partially hydrogenated fats."|"Besides, chunky peanut butter? Revolting."}
"Shame on you, young {CHAR|man|lady}," said the woman. "Well then, I won't spoil your fun either. What was it, a giant {MONSTER|-|melon? Gourd?|raven? Magpie?|octopus? Squid?}"
"Yes — wait. How did you know that?" But the old woman refused to say another word.
You follow {BOTHRIVER|your {CHAR|brother|sister}'s trail|the trail of your siblings} along the river. You soon discover the old woman, now shoulder-deep in peanut butter.
"You! You look like a mannerly child," she shouts, only a little desperately.
"How do I—"
"Figure something out! Brainstorm. Hire a conceptual consultant. Hold a contest. I think I hear leopards on their way with jars of strawberry jam!"
You gather dead branches to brace across the peanut butter pool. In a few minutes, and with a most astonishing sucking sound, the woman has pulled herself free.
"There go a couple of good walking shoes I won't see again," she mutters, glaring irately at the pool. It burbles back in evident satisfaction. "I don't suppose you—"
"I probably shouldn't... I have a {MONSTER|-|gourd-monster|bird-monster|squid-monster} to find," you say hastily.
"Really? They never bother me. Do you know the words for 'em?"
You listen attentively as the old woman pronounces them. "Just shout 'em out. They'll knock the beast back on its heels — on its — they'll knock the beast back, and give you a chance to finish the job."
"I've never seen such nonsense," your {CHAR|brother|sister} said, lobbing a stick at the old woman's head. "I've got work to do."
"Call a meeting — convene the board — drat!" shouted the woman, and flung a petulant handful of peanut butter after {CHAR|him|her}.
Your oldest {CHAR|brother|sister} set out first.
The Emperor had three children, and the Emperor was me.
("Mooommm!")
(Because I'm in charge, kiddo. That's what Emperor means.)
{WISDOM} but a great rivalry grew between them.
{WISDOM} but a great rivalry grew between them. They waged mighty battles against each other to decide who would inherit the throne.
{MONSTER|-| But their battles laid waste to the fields and ruined the crops. Nothing would grow except for a single eerie, horrible squash-monster. | But their battles exhausted the Imperial troops, and the National Bank was left unguarded. One day the learned that a great bird-beast had carried away all of the Empire's treasure. | But their battles exhausted the Imperial guards, and the roads were left unprotected. One day a terrifying squid-monster crept up on a caravan and kidnapped the Ambassador from Bearville. }
{WISDOM} but a great rivalry grew between them. They roamed the Empire, seeking heroic quests to win my favor.
{MONSTER|-| One day they learned that a horrible squash-monster was roaming the fields, scaring off all the farmers and ruining the crops. Instantly they all raced off to destroy it. | One day they learned that a great bird-beast had stolen away the Imperial treasury. Instantly they all raced off to retrieve it. | One day they learned that the Imperial Bear had been kidnapped by a terrifying squid-monster. Instantly they all raced off to find it. }
{WISDOM} but a great rivalry grew between them. They studied hidden lore, searching for ancient secrets to overthrow me.
{MONSTER|-| But one of them — never mind who — delved too deep in a book, and awoke an ancient terror. A horrible squash-monster rampaged through the fields, ruining the crops. | But in all their studying, they forgot to do the Imperial paperwork. All of the Empire's money got lost in the cracks in the sofa. Before anybody could collect it, a giant bird-beast had picked it up and run away. | But their studies led to great magical battles, which lit up the night sky and ruined everybody's sleep. One day an exhausted Bear Lord, unable to hibernate, wandered down to the beach and got kidnapped by a squid. }
But, in the end, your victory only meant—