This file is part of the Cragne Manor source code collection. Posted with the author's permission. All rights reserved.
"The Bathroom" by Chris Jones
[NOTE: This is the final version that was submitted, minus this note, warts and all. All other comments are original. IMPORTANT: in this test version, the player actually starts out in PLA1 which was the main meatpacking plant room. To start the actual meatpacking plant bathroom if running this in Inform or otherwise standalone from Cragne, GO WEST as your first command to get to the actual room, which is PLA2. The reason for this is because some events fire on entering or exiting the room for the first or last time. Jenni removed it before adding it to the larger project.
Also I stongly recommend that you don't unbracket any bracketed code, as that's all deprecated or duplicate or testing commands.
And don't think for a second that I don't recognize that this is messy mad-person code with a bunch of weird hacks to keep this all in one room. I know it is. But it works.
-CJ, 8/10/22]
Include Cragne Suite by Ryan Veeder.
[Use memory economy.]
PLA is a region.
PLA1 is a room in PLA.
PLA2 is a room in PLA. PLA2 is west of PLA1.
PLA2 is a room.
Part 1 - PLA2 Meatpacking Plant Bathroom
Understand "unscrew [something]" as taking when the location is PLA2.
After printing the name of PLA2: say " (by Chris Jones)".
Printed name of PLA2 is "Bathroom of the Meatpacking Plant[if the player is in the CJvoid]?[end if]".
Instead of examining the player when the location is PLA2:
say "[if the CJpotion is CJdrank]You're glowing, slightly, from that disgusting potion of fortitude. While you're examining the glow, you sneak a peak at the sizes of your knees (a compulsion you struggle with when under stress, after the knee fetishist you dated before Peter dumped you). Dammit! You told yourself you wouldn't look at your knees today![else]You fight down the urge to compulsively examine the comparative size of your knees in relation to one another. It's a compulsion that pops up when you're under stress, has done since the knee fetishist you dated before Peter dumped you in college. You want to look right now but it just feeds the compulsion. No, no, you mustn't look! You won't! They're still the same size, Naomi. Your knees are still the same size.[end if]".
Description of PLA2 is "[if the player is in PLA2][outstall][else if the player is in the CJstall][install][else if the player is on the CJtoilet][install][else if the CJplayerproxy is invoid][CJvoidlook][else if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach][insandbathroom][end if]".
To say install:
if the CJstall is open:
say "You're inside the bathroom stall, which is one of those big accessible ones. There's a surprisingly clean porcelain toilet sitting invitingly in the center of the stall, with [a list of things inside the CJtoiletbowl] in the open bowl.[paragraph break][if the CJtoilet is CJunflushable]Unfortunately it looks like some jackass has removed and run off with the flush handle dealie that one normally uses to flush a toilet, and you can't see a lid on the tank, so the toilet looks out of commission at the moment unless you can find a way to address that.[else if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl] The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther is glowing slightly, bathing the stall in a panalopy of alien colors that have no terrestrial equivalents.[else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl] (At least you think the glowing mass of Higgs boson particles is in the toilet; they should as long as you're not looking at them but they're not if you are. Goddamn particle physics.)[end if][paragraph break]Next to the toilet, there's one of those grab bars set into the wall. Next to that, there's a little door to what appears to be a janitor's closet, if the word 'Janitor' on the door is any indication. Next to [italic type]that[roman type], there's a medicine cabinet. And all around those things are graffiti. Just tons and tons of graffiti.";
else if the CJstall is closed:
say "You're inside the bathroom stall, which is one of those big accessible ones. There's a surprisingly clean porcelain toilet sitting invitingly in the center of the stall, with [a list of things inside the CJtoiletbowl] in the open bowl.[paragraph break][if the CJtoilet is CJunflushable]Unfortunately it looks like some jackass has removed and run off with the flush handle dealie that one normally uses to flush a toilet, and you can't see a lid on the tank, so the toilet looks out of commission at the moment unless you can find a way to address that.[else if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl] The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther is glowing slightly, bathing the stall in a panalopy of alien colors that have no terrestrial equivalents.[else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl] (At least you think the glowing mass of Higgs boson particles is in the toilet; they should as long as you're not looking at them but they're not if you are. Goddamn particle physics.)[end if][paragraph break]Next to the toilet, there's one of those grab bars set into the wall. Next to that, there's a little door to what appears to be a janitor's closet, if the word 'Janitor' on the door is any indication. Next to [italic type]that[roman type], there's a medicine cabinet. And all around those things are graffiti. Just tons and tons of graffiti. Speaking of: on the back of the stall door, someone scratched the words '[italic type]I Told You Not To Use The Shitter, Broseph[roman type]'. Below that on the door, someone has inscribed the Elder Sign.".
Understand "bathroom" as the CJstall.
CJmeat debris is a backdrop in PLA2. Understand "meat debris" as the CJmeat debris. Instead of doing something to the CJmeat debris: say "There's no actual meat debris here as far as you can see, that was just a guess as to why they needed to install a shower here. Although this being a meatpacking plant and all, it's possible if not likely that everything in here is covered in a so-thin-as-to-be-invisible layer of flesh particulate. Like just everything. Everything you're touching and standing on and now it's on you too. Ew ew ew stop thinking about meat debris ew.".
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the CJstall:
if the CJplayerproxy is install:
no;
otherwise:
yes.
To say outstall:
say "[if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2]This is a perfectly normal bathroom. There's a giant boneless horse in it which is trying to kill you. There's a hole in the wall that the boneless horse burst out of. There's a bathroom stall, a horse, a urinal, the horse again, a sink with a mirror over it, boneless horse, and even a horse. Perfectly normal horse. Bathroom! Perfectly normal bathroom![else]This is a perfectly normal bathroom. There's a bathroom stall (which has some graffiti written on it), a urinal, a sink with a mirror over it, and even a shower for those days at work when meat debris happens. Perfectly normal bathroom.[end if]".
[To say toiletstate:
say "There's a toilet in the center of the stall, with [a list of things inside the CJtoiletbowl] in the open bowl.[if the CJtoilet is CJunflushable] It looks like some jackass has run off with the flush handle, so hopefully you don't have to go.[else if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl] The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther is glowing slightly, bathing the stall in a panalopy of alien colors that have no terrestrial equivalents.[else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl] (At least you think the glowing mass of Higgs boson particles is in the toilet; they should as long as you're not looking at them but they're not if you are. Goddamn particle physics.)[end if]".]
Part 1.110 Bathroom Verbs
[I make a fair number of references to pooping in the description text, and based on limited playtesting I should probably add a verb to handle that command so as to add to vermissilitude, even if all it does is give a funny message. If this section becomes too complex, someone stop me. Please.]
CJbathrooming is an action applying to nothing. Understand "poop", "shit", "take a dump", "pinch a loaf", "defecate" and "put kids in pool" as CJbathrooming when the location is PLA2. Understand "pee" and "piss" as CJbathrooming when the location is PLA2.
Instead of CJbathrooming:
if Rowdy Tumnus is not in PLA2:
if Rowdy Tumnus is not alreadygone:
say "This is a bathroom with like a half dozen fixtures[if the CJplayerproxy is invoid] in space[end if]. Maybe be more specific about where you want to do that?";
else:
say "You can't now. All the places to go got sucked into [if Rowdy Tumnus is inspacenow] orbit around an evil alien planet[else if Rowdy Tumnus is inpastnow] the Lower Cambrian Epoch[end if] along with a boneless horse. Which is unfortunate because you've just been holding it this entire time and you're starting to feel a bit like a somewhat yellower Violet Beauregarde.";
else:
say "You already went a little when the giant boneless murderhorse burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and started making engine noises at you."
[CHRISNOTE: Maybe change the above to make a hint that you need to go/do vis a vis toilet? Maybe if the luminiferous aether is in there]
Going2init is an action applying to one thing. Understand "poop in [a thing]", "pee in [a thing]", "piss in [a thing]", "shit in [a thing]", "defecate in [a thing]", "pinch a loaf off in [a thing]", and "drop kids off in [a thing]" as Going2init when the location is PLA2. Understand "take a shit in [a thing]" and "take a piss in [a thing]" as Going2init when the location is PLA2.
Does the player mean Going2init the CJtoilet when the player is in the CJstall: it is very likely.
Understand "poop on [a thing]", "pee on [a thing]", "piss on [a thing]", "shit on [a thing]", "defecate on [a thing]", "pinch a loaf off on [a thing]", and "drop kids off on [a thing]" as Going2init when the location is PLA2.
Instead of Going2init something: say "Enh, you don't feel like it right at the moment[if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2], mainly because you already went a little when the giant boneless murderhorse burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and started making car engine noises at you[end if].".
Instead of Going2init the CJsink: say "Really? All these actual bathroom features and you want to go in the sink?".
Instead of Going2init the CJurinal: try CJusing the CJurinal.
Instead of Going2init the CJshower: say "Judging by the graffiti on the shower, it sounds like you wouldn't be the first. But there's (theoretically) a perfectly good toilet for that in the stall."
Instead of Going2init the CJtoilet when the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon:
say "Hmm, but it's full of weird subatomic particles and you're not sure what that would do. Like what if where it comes out is random in time and space? What if where it comes out is [italic type]over your head?[roman type][paragraph break]Maybe this has something to do with why employees were shitting into everything else in this bathroom.[paragraph break]".
Instead of Going2init something when Rowdy Tumnus is alreadygone:
say "You can't now. All the places to go got sucked into [if Rowdy Tumnus is inspacenow] orbit around an evil alien planet[else if Rowdy Tumnus is inpastnow] the Lower Cambrian Epoch[end if] along with a boneless horse. Which is really unfortunate because you've just been holding it this entire time. and you’re starting to feel a bit like a somewhat yellower Violet Beauregarde".
Instead of Going2init when Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2: say "You already went a little when the giant boneless murderhorse burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and started making engine noises at you.".
Part 1.125 - The Stuff In The Bathroom
[Like most things in the room, the pentagram started as a throwaway joke and ended up being insanely complex and central to the room mechanics.]
The CJpentagram is a thing in PLA2. The printed name is "[if CJplayerproxy is install]pentagram edge[printedpentaflames] on the floor just outside the stall[else if the player is on the CJtoilet]pentagram edge[printedpentaflames] on the floor just outside the stall[else if the CJplayerproxy is invoid]pentagram[printedpentaflames] floating in the void, not too far from the space urinal[else if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach]pentagram[printedpentaflames] on the beach[else]pentagram[printedpentaflames] on the floor[end if]". Understand "pentagram" as the CJpentagram. The CJpentagram is fixed in place. The description of the CJpentagram is "Just your run of the mill pentagram. About six feet across,[if the CJplayerproxy is invoid] floating in the void next to the urinal. Huh. Guess this pentagram is coterminous with the other one back in the Meatpacking Plant proper. Or maybe it's the same one? Space magic is weird. [else if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach] carved into the... beach sand? [else] artfully carved into the floor. [end if][if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon][pentaflames][end if][if the CJplayerproxy is not invoid]You know. Perfectly normal pentagam. Perfectly normal bathroom.[end if]". The CJpentagram is a supporter. Instead of entering the CJpentagram: say "Oh hell no." Understand "edge" and "pentagram edge" as the CJpentagram.
Instead of Going2init the CJpentagram: say "What, like on the pentagram? That's basically the floor, and even the employees of this meat packing plant seem to have better habits. Plus what if that does something, like... mystical. To your butt."
Instead of putting something on the CJpentagram when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: say "It's sort of hanging sideways in space, in a way that makes putting something on it more difficult than back in the dimensionally coterminous meat bathroom where it's just chilling on the floor.".
To say pentaflames:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
say "There are ghostly [if the CJcandle is on the CJpentagram]blue[else if the CJfootcandle is on the CJpentagram]green[end if] flames sprouting from the pentagram here too, in any case. Cool. ";
else:
say "Sprouting tall, bright [if the CJcandle is on the CJpentagram]blue[else if the CJfootcandle is on the CJpentagram]green[end if] flames that twist and writhe like the ghostly souls of the damned. ".
To say printedpentaflames:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon:
say " (covered in [if the CJcandle is on the CJpentagram]blue[else if the CJfootcandle is on the CJpentagram]green[end if] flames)".
[This thing below exists so that I don't have to deal with freaking descriptions or room descriptions that change based on whether the player is sitting on a damn toilet or not when it is otherwise the same. This is what I get for having supporters in containers that are in other containers, I guess.]
The CJplayerproxy is a thing. The CJplayerproxy can be install, invoid, inroom or onbeach. The CJplayerproxy is inroom.
Carry out entering the CJstall: now the CJplayerproxy is install.
Carry out exiting when the player is in the CJstall: now the CJplayerproxy is inroom.
Instead of getting off the CJstall: try exiting.
[Making the player invoid happens when CJflushing the toilet farther down in the Alien Void section]
[TESTCOMMAND]
[Proxystating is an action applying to nothing. Understand "proxystate" as proxystating. Carry out proxystating: say "[if the CJplayerproxy is install]Install[else if the CJplayerproxy is invoid]Invoid[else if the CJplayerproxy is Inroom]Inroom[end if]".]
The CJpentagram can be CJpentagramon or CJpentagramoff.
Instead of taking the CJpentagram: say "You can't, it's part of[if the CJplayerproxy is invoid]... space, or something. Anyway you can't take it.[else] the floor.[end if]"
Report putting the CJcandle on the CJpentagram:
say "You put the [if the CJcandle is CJenfuego]lit [end if]candle shaped like a human hand on top of the pentagram. That doesn't seem like a good idea but okay.[if the CJcandle is CJenfuego][paragraph break]The pentagram suddenly blazes alight with ghostly blue flame! And also something starts glowing in the toilet bowl, in the stall. Weird.[end if]" instead.
Report putting the CJfootcandle on the CJpentagram:
say "You put the [if the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego]lit [end if] candle shaped like a human foot on top of the pentagram. That doesn't seem like any worse of any idea than the hand-shaped one was, I guess.[if the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego][paragraph break]The pentagram suddenly blazes alight with ghostly flame! Just like with the hand-shaped candle, except this time the flames are green! And also the toilet water appears to have been replaced with a mass of Higgs boson particles that are now swarming around the toilet bowl.[end if]" instead.
A rule for reaching outside something when the location is PLA2:
if the CJplayerproxy is install:
if the noun is not in the CJstall:
if the noun is not on the CJtoilet:
if the CJstall is closed:
allow access.
Check putting the CJcandle on the CJpentagram:
if the CJfootcandle is on the CJpentagram:
say "You try to put the hand candle on the pentagram but some magical force emanating from the pentagram pushes back against you. I guess you can only have one body part shaped candle on a pentagram at a time? Maybe take the foot candle first?" instead;
stop the action.
Carry out putting the CJcandle on the CJpentagram:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff:
if the CJcandle is CJenfuego:
now the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon;
now the CJtoilet water is nowhere;
now the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl;
now some CJghostlyflames are part of the CJpentagram.
Check putting the CJfootcandle on the CJpentagram:
if the CJcandle is on the CJpentagram:
say "You try to put the foot-candle on the pentagram but some magical force emanating from the pentagram pushes back against you. I guess you can only have one body part shaped candle on a pentagram at a time? Maybe take the hand candle first?" instead;
stop the action.
Carry out putting the CJfootcandle on the CJpentagram:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff:
if the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego:
now the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon;
now the CJtoilet water is nowhere;
now the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl;
now some CJghostlyflames are part of the CJpentagram.
[TESTING COMMAND]
[Pentagramstatusing is an action applying to nothing.
Understand "pentagramstatus" as Pentagramstatusing.
Carry out Pentagramstatusing: say "Pentagram is [if CJpentagram is CJpentagramon]ON[else]OFF[end if] and the contents of the toilet are [list of things in the CJtoiletbowl]. The higgs bosons are [holder of the CJhiggsbosons] and the teleport water is [holder of the CJteleport water]."]
Before taking the CJcandle when the CJcandle is on the CJpentagram:
if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl:
say "Taken. The weird ghostly blue flame on the pentagram goes out. Aw. Also it looks like the luminiferous [unicode 230]ther in the toilet just went back to being normal water.";
now the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff;
now the CJteleport water is nowhere;
now the CJtoilet water is in the CJtoiletbowl;
now the CJghostlyflames are nowhere;
move the CJcandle to the player;
stop the action.
Before taking the CJfootcandle when the CJfootcandle is on the CJpentagram:
if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl:
say "Taken. The weird ghostly green flame on the pentagram goes and the Higgs bosons in the toilet go back to being normal water.";
now the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff;
now the CJhiggsbosons are nowhere;
now the CJtoilet water is in the CJtoiletbowl;
now the CJghostlyflames are nowhere;
move the CJfootcandle to the player;
stop the action.
[Report the player sitting on the CJtoilet when the CJteleportwater is in the CJtoiletbowl: say "You sit on the luminiferous [unicode 230]-filled toilet. Hopefully this is safe." instead.
Report the player sitting on the CJtoilet when the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl: say "You sit on the toilet. The Higgs bosons make your butt tingle a little. Hopefully that's not ionizing radiation or something." instead.
Report the player sitting on the CJspacetoilet: say "You sit on the toilet. Ooo, plush seat." instead.]
Some CJghostlyflames are a thing. Understand "flames" and "ghostly blue flames" and "blue flames" and "roaring blue flames" as the CJghostlyflames. The printed name is "roaring blue ghostly flames that twist and writhe like damned souls". The description is "Bright blue flames twisting and writhing obscenely in the pentagram. They don't seem to possess heat as a quality, nor are they setting anything on fire. Just think: some people pay good money to see this grade of weird shit and you get it for free right here in a meatpacking plant bathroom.". Understand "ghostly flames" and "ghostly flame" as the CJghostlyflames. The CJghostlyflames are fixed in place.
The CJgraffiti is scenery in PLA2. Understand "graffiti" as the CJgraffiti. The description of the CJgraffiti is "[if the CJplayerproxy is install][installgraffiti][else if the player is in PLA2][outstallgraffiti][end if]". The printed name of the CJgraffiti is "graffiti".
To say outstallgraffiti: say "Someone wrote '[italic type]Beware Horse[roman type]' on the side of the stall in marker. For [if Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall]some reason[else]reasons that are now [bold type]abundantly[roman type] clear[end if]. Just below that they wrote '[italic type]Don't use the shitter, bro![roman type]', also in marker.".
To say installgraffiti: say "There's a giant ham drawn in sharpie dominating one wall of the stall, with the words '[italic type]That's a big ham![roman type]' right underneath it in bic pen. A couple of lightning bolts, some swastikas made of dicks, and a scrawl near the toilet that says '[italic type]Help the toilet is pulling me in by the ass and I can't hold on any more tell my wife I lo[roman type]' with just a long squiggle at the end leading down to the toilet bowl after that. Buncha[apostrophe] jokers in this meatpacking plant, that's for sure.[if the CJstall is closed] Also there's a message that says 'I Told You Not To Use The Shitter, Broseph' on the back of the stall door, right above the Elder Sign.[end if]".
The CJham is part of the CJgraffiti. Understand "ham" as the CJham. The description is "That's a big ham, it's true.".
[Instead of smelling when the location is PLA2:
if the CJplayerproxy is install:
say "[if the CJcandle is CJenfuego]It smells like Lavender in here.[else if the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego] And beach scent.[end if] Better than you'd expect for a meatpacking bathroom, to be honest.";
else if the CJplayerproxy is inroom:
say "[if the CJcandle is CJenfuego]It smells like Lavender in here.[else if the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego] And beach scent.[end if] Better than you'd expect for a meatpacking bathroom, to be honest.".]
The CJlights is scenery in PLA2. Understand "light" or "lights" or "light fixture" as the CJlights. The description of the CJlights is "A single light fixture in the middle of the ceiling, right over the pentagram." The printed name of the CJlights is "light fixture".
The CJshower is scenery in PLA2. Understand "shower" as the CJshower. Understand "shower head" and "showerhead" as the CJshower. The description of the CJshower is "A chrome showerhead hanging from the ceiling in one corner of the room, presumably for the plant employees to wash various species worth of meat and meat byproducts off their filthy bodies. Directly below the showerhead, there is a large metal grate over a drain in the floor. On the wall between, there's a single shower knob that says 'warm'.[paragraph break]Above the knob, someone has scratched the words '[italic type]Don't Shit In The Shower Anymore Bro![roman type]' into the wall. What the hell is wrong with the savages that use this bathroom?". The printed name of the CJshower is "shower".
Instead of CJhandwashing the CJshower: try CJusing the CJshower.
Instead of entering the CJshower: say "It's not the kind you enter, it's just a showerhead over a drain in a corner of the room. Kind of horrifying to think of people coming in to use the urinal while you're butt-naked showering in the corner, but probably anybody who feels the need to shower in a meatpacking plant has bigger and/or grosser concerns.".
Before doing something other than examining to the CJshower when the CJplayerproxy is install:
say "You can't reach it from here." instead.
A flushcapable is a kind of thing.
The CJplayerproxy can be nottaken, justtaken or justabouttohorse. The CJplayerproxy is nottaken.
Instead of switching on the CJshower when Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall:
say "[showerdontwork]".
To say showerdontwork:
say "You turn on the water, but all that happens is a horrific banging sound starts up in the pipes. A wet, sloshing banging noise, like a bunch of hams were being tossed about in a washing machine. You remember your Uncle (the plumber, not the one that went to prison) telling you that pipes in buildings would do this sometimes when the air gaps were backed up. But then he also told you to always keep a bucket in your car to shit into just in case a toilet didn't work somewhere.[paragraph break]You turn the shower knob off (almost accidentally unscrewing it in the process, damn thing is real loose for some reason) and the horrible noise stops.".
Before doing anything when the CJplayerproxy is justtaken and the location is PLA2:
say "You start to turn away from [if the player carries the warm knob] shower[else] sink[end if], but then a new sound emanates from the bathroom appliance. The new sound is so strange that you pause:";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]'br-rn-nn-nn-nn-nn.'. Like an engine on a car or a lawnmower turning over. 'br-rnn-nn-nn-nn-nn'. It's coming out of the [if the player carries the warm knob] shower[else if the player carries the CJtap] sink[end if]. Your Uncle never mentioned this plumbing noise.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]You start to turn away from the [if the player carries the warm knob] shower[else] sink[end if] again, and suddenly the noise jumps 50 decibels: 'br-RN-NN-NN-NN!!!' It sounds like a car engine right behind you and you whirl. There's only the [if the player carries the warm knob] shower[else] sink[end if]. But you notice something:";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Something is oozing out of the [if the player carries the warm knob]drain[else]sink drain[end if]. Something brown, and flabby. Meatlike. Something meatlike is backing up out of the pipes like sewage[paragraph break]And it has a pair of [italic type] LIPS[roman type]. Big equine-looking lips and gums on a long flabby snout, sticking out of the drain.";
wait for any key;
say "[line break]'Br-RNN-NN-NN-NN-NN' say the lips and jaw, seemingly boneless, continuing to ooze out of the pipe. Half a head now, the eyeball on one side making a moist popping noise as it clears the drain. It glares at you. 'Br-RNN-NN-NN-NN-NN!!'. And then, with a sound like a plunger working furiously on a clogged drain, the meat retracts back into the pipe and it is gone.[paragraph break]You breath again.";
now the CJplayerproxy is justabouttohorse;
stop the action.
Before doing anything when the CJplayerproxy is justabouttohorse and the location is PLA2:
say "Before you can do that, the wall of the bathroom buckles and then shatters outwards in a shower of drywall and fixtures, as a rolling ball of meat and sinew with four kicking limbs and a frothing toothless mouth bursts forth into the room.";
wait for any key;
say "[line break]You try to run but it's between you and the door, flailing and frothing. It squirms like a giant boneless worm and then the hoists the top-half of itself upright like a giant sausage with one end tottering in the air. 'BR-RNN-NN-NN-NN-NN!' it screams at you from a long, boneless, mane-covered head. That's when you see the swishing tail.";
wait for any key;
say "[line break]It's a horse. A giant boneless horse. There's a giant boneless horse in the walls. Was in the walls. Now it's in the room with you , flailing hooves and making noises like a race car engine. What do you do??";
now Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2;
Rowdy Tumnus tumhoofs the player in one turn from now;
now Rowdy Tumnus is betweenyou;
now the CJplayerproxy is nottaken;
now the CJholeinthewall is in PLA2;
now Rowdy Tumnus is inyourface;
now Rowdy Tumnus is pacingaround;
stop the action.
The CJholeinthewall is a thing. The CJholeinthewall is scenery. The printed name is "horse-shaped hole in the wall". The description is "The spot where the horse burst out of the wall from the pipes, exposing the wall innards." Instead of doing something except examining to the CJholeinthewall: say "It's just an exposed mass of moldy insulation, sparking wires and severed pipes that are now spurting water, back there. Best to leave that to the janitor or somebody. [if CJedward is in the CJvoid]Somebody who isn't floating dead in space, probably.[end if]". Understand "hole" as the CJholeinthewall. Understand "hole in the wall" and "wall hole" as the CJholeinthewall.
Instead of Going2init the CJholeinthewall: say "No. You SWORE to yourself that you'd never again do that into a horse-shaped hole in the wall. Never again. Be strong and keep living your best life, Naomi.".
The warm knob is a flushcapable. The warm knob is part of the CJshower. Understand "knob" as the warm knob. Understand "warm water" and "warm water knob" and "warm water knobs" and "water knob" and "water knobs" and "shower knob" as the warm knob. The description of the warm knob is "They like their showers simple in Vermont." The printed name of the warm knobs is "warm water knob". Understand "metal knob" as the warm knob. The printed name is "shower knob".
Before doing something to the warm knob when the CJplayerproxy is not inroom:
if the CJplayerproxy is not install:
say "You can't see any such thing." instead.
Instead of taking the warm knob when the warm knob is part of the CJshower:
say "You unscrew the single shower knob and take it with you. Now the meat-stained workers of this plant will never be clean.[paragraph break]Right after you take the knob, a horrific banging sound starts up in the pipes. A wet, sloshing banging noise, like a bunch of hams were being tossed about in a washing machine. You remember your Uncle (the plumber, not the one that went to prison) telling you that pipes in buildings would do this sometimes when the air gaps were backed up. But then he also told you to always keep a bucket in your car to shit into 'just in case there's no toilet all of a sudden'. Whatever that meant. So who knows.";
move the warm knob to the player;
now the CJplayerproxy is justtaken;
now the description of the warm knob is "A shower knob with a 'W' on it (presumably for 'warm' but who knows), formerly the only shower knob in the shower[if the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet] and now serving as a makeshift flush handle[end if]."
Before examining the warm knob when the CJplayerproxy is install:
if the warm knob is part of the CJshower:
if the CJstall is closed:
say "Looking under the stall you see:";
else:
say "Peering around the stall door you see:"
Before doing something other than examining to the warm knob when the CJplayerproxy is install:
if the warm knob is part of the CJshower:
say "You can't reach it from here." instead.
Instead of switching on the warm knob:
if the warm knob is part of the CJshower:
try switching on the CJshower;
else if the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet:
try CJflushing the CJtoilet;
else:
say "It's not attached to anything.".
Instead of turning the warm knob: try switching on the warm knob.
Instead of taking the CJshower: try switching on the CJshower.
Instead of CJusing the CJshower: try switching on the CJshower.
Instead of switching on the CJshower:
if the warm knob is not part of the CJshower:
say "You can't, you took the only knob.";
else:
say "".
The CJdrain is part of the CJshower. Understand "drain" as the CJdrain. The description of the CJdrain is "A hole in the floor that keeps liquids of various kinds from filling up in the room. [if the CJgrate is part of the CJdrain]There's a metal grate over it.[end if]".
The CJgrate is part of the CJdrain. Understand "grate" and "metal grate" as the CJgrate. Instead of taking the CJgrate: say "You try pulling on the grate, but it's extremely heavy." The printed name of CJ drain is "drain". The printed name of CJgrate is "metal grate".
The CJurinal is scenery in PLA2. Understand "trough" and "trough urinal" and "urinal" as the CJurinal. The description is "A stainless steel trough in the floor, presumably for pissing into. There's a blue urinal cake at the bottom. Right about head-height above the urinal, the words '[italic type]Do Not Shit Here Either[roman type]' are scratched into the wall. Just below that are the words '[italic type]stop telling us where not to shit, dude[roman type]' in smaller letters. And just below that is the word word '[italic type]No[roman type]'.[paragraph break]So much drama." The printed name of the CJurinal is "urinal". Instead of CJflushing the CJurinal, say "It's one of those water-saver gravity types that you can't flush. It's good to see that the owners of this godforsaken and terrifying meatpacking plant are so environmentally conscious."
The CJurinalcake is part of the CJurinal. Understand "cake" and "urinal cake" and "blue cake" and "blue urinal cake" as the CJurinalcake. The description of the CJurinalcake is "A small blue urinal cake. It's basically a post hoc urethral perfuming agent made of chalky poison chemicals fashioned in the shape of a hockey puck."
Instead of taking or touching the CJurinalcake: say "You're not touching the urinal cake.". Instead of eating the CJurinalcake: say "It's not that kind of cake!".
Instead of CJhandwashing the CJurinal: say "It's one of those environmentally-conscious types that just use gravity (and janitors) to dispose of the contents, so there's no flush mechanism to make water happen. And even if there was, you'd have to run your hands over the back of the urinal to wash them which sort of entirely defeats the purpose. Augh, god, stop thinking about that.".
Before examining the CJurinal when the CJplayerproxy is install:
if the CJstall is closed:
say "Looking under the stall you see:";
else:
say "Peering around the stall door you see:".
Instead of CJusing the CJurinal: say "Given the angle and what you're working with, you'd have to press hams against the cold wall behind the urinal to pull that off. Not worth it when there's a toilet right nearby in the stall."
Before doing something other than examining to the warm knob: if the player is in the CJurinal, say "You can't reach it from here." instead.
Instead of taking the CJurinal: say "Why? Why would you take a trough urinal?".
Instead of examining the CJmirror for the first time: say "A perfectly normal bathroom mirror: one of those big frameless dealies that they hang on the wall above the sink. In it you can see the bathroom reflected: the stall/toilet, the urinal, the shower, all floating in a terrifying dark void filled with unfamiliar stars. Wait what.[paragraph break]There's a sign on the corner of the mirror that says '[italic type]Mirror Temporarily Out of Order - mgmt.[roman type]'."; now the printed name of the CJmirror is "out of order mirror".
Instead of Going2init the CJmirror: say "Ew no not feelin' it.".
The CJmirror is scenery in PLA2. Understand "mirror" as the CJmirror. The printed name of the CJmirror is "mirror". The description of the CJmirror is "A bathroom mirror over the sink that is reflecting the toilet stall, the urinal, and the shower, all floating in the void of distant space (as opposed to the interior of the meatpacking bathroom that you find yourself in here in reality). Also, it's not reflecting your image.[paragraph break]A sign on it says '[italic type]Mirror Temporarily Out of Order[roman type]', which seems correct insofar as a mirror's one single job is to accurately reflect what's in front of it and this one is sure as hell not doing that. Maybe this is, like, a computer or TV screen? You can't see a cord though.". Understand "out of order mirror" as the CJmirror.
Instead of CJusing the CJmirror: try examining the CJmirror.
The CJmirrornote is part of the CJmirror. The description is "It says '[italic type]Mirror Temporarily Out of Order[roman type]'". Instead of taking the CJmirrornote, say "Nah, then nobody would know that the mirror wasn't working right.". Understand "mirror sign" and "sign" and "sign on the mirror" as the CJmirrornote. The printed name of the CJmirrornote is "sign on the mirror".
Before examining the CJmirror when the CJplayerproxy is install:
if the CJstall is closed:
say "Looking under the stall you see:";
else:
say "Peering around the stall door you see:"
Before doing something other than examining to the CJmirror: if the CJplayerproxy is install, say "You can't reach it from here." instead.
Section 82 - The Sink
Understand "wash hands in [something]" and "wash hands with [something]" and "wash my hands in [something]" and "wash my hands with [something]" as CJhandwashing when the location is PLA2. CJhandwashing is an action applying to one thing.
[The CJplayerproxy is a thing. The CJplayerproxy can be install, invoid, inroom or onbeach. The CJplayerproxy is inroom.
Carry out entering the CJstall: now the CJplayerproxy is install.
Carry out exiting when the player is in the CJstall: now the CJplayerproxy is inroom.]
Carry out CJhandwashing something: say "You don't feel like washing your hands with that. Or can't. Or both."
Instead of CJhandwashing the CJsink: try CJusing the CJsink.
Does the player mean CJhandwashing the CJsink: it is likely.
Does the player mean CJhandwashing the CJshower: it is likely.
Instead of CJhandwashing the CJtoiletbowl: say "That would kinda defeat the purpose.".
Instead of CJhandwashing the CJtoilet: try CJhandwashing the CJtoiletbowl.
The CJsink is scenery in PLA2. The printed name of the CJsink is "sink". The CJsink is scenery. Understand "sink" as the CJsink. The description of the CJsink is "A perfectly normal stainless steel sink set into wall below the mirror. Looking at it reminds you of how much awful and/or weird stuff you've been touching with your bare hands, recently. And how covered in other peoples[apostrophe] germs you must be at this point. There's a tap on the back with a handle that turns on the water. Just above that tap handle, someone has scrawled the words '[italic type]Stop Shitting In The Sink[roman type]' with a marker.[paragraph break]Okay maybe not the *best* sink to wash your hands in, but a sink nontheless and they're in short supply in this town.".
The CJtap is a flushcapable. The CJtap is part of the CJsink. The printed name is "sink handle". Understand "tap" and "handle" as the CJtap. Understand "sink handle" and "sink tap" and "sink knob" as the CJtap. Understand "tap handle" as the CJtap.
Before doing something to the CJtap when the CJplayerproxy is not inroom:
if the CJplayerproxy is not install:
say "You can't see any such thing." instead;
stop the action.
Before doing something to the warm knob when the CJplayerproxy is not inroom:
if the CJplayerproxy is not install:
say "You can't see any such thing." instead;
stop the action.
Instead of taking the CJtap when the CJtap is part of the CJsink:
say "You unscrew the sink handle and pocket it. Now the people that process the food everyone eats are freed from the tyranny of washing their filthy hands. Go team salmonella![paragraph break]Right after you take the handle, a horrific banging sound starts up in the pipes. A wet, sloshing banging noise, like a bunch of hams were being tossed about in a washing machine. You remember your Uncle (the plumber, not the one that went to prison) telling you that pipes in buildings would do this sometimes when the air gaps were backed up. But then he also told you to always keep a bucket in your car to shit into 'just in case there's no toilet all of a sudden'. Whatever that meant. So who knows.";
now the CJplayerproxy is justtaken;
move the CJtap to the player;
now the description of the CJtap is "A handle that formerly belonged to the sink[if the CJtap is part of the CJtoilet], which is now being used as a makeshft flushing implement on the toilet.".
Before doing something other than examining to the CJsink when the CJplayerproxy is install: say "You can't reach it from here." instead.
Before doing something other than examining to the CJtap when the CJplayerproxy is install:
if the CJtap is part of the CJsink:
say "You can't reach it from here." instead.
Instead of switching off the CJsink: try switching on the CJsink.
Instead of CJusing the CJsink: try switching on the CJsink.
Instead of switching on the CJsink:
if the CJtap is not part of the CJsink:
say "You can't, because you unscrewed the handle.";
else:
say "[sinkdontwork]".
[Instead of switching on the CJshower when Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall:
say "[showerdontwork]";shit in sink
move the warm knob to the player;
now the CJplayerproxy is justtaken;
now the description of the warm knob is "A shower knob with a 'W' on it (presumably for 'warm' but who knows), formerly the only shower knob in the shower[if the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet] and now serving as a makeshift flush handle[end if].".]
To say sinkdontwork:
say "You turn the tap and hold your hands expectantly under it. Finally! You can wash your hands!...[paragraph break]...but all that comes out is noise. A weird, horrifying and terrible noise from somewhere behind the walls. A long wet meaty sound with some kind of mechanical whine behind it, like a car was trying to peel out on a street covered in greasy bacon. That's... not a sound that a sink should make.[paragraph break]You turn off the tap (almost pulling the tap loose from the sink in the process, damn thing wasn't screwed in properly or something) and the horrifying noise stops. Dammit, you really wanted to wash your hands. Well, maybe something else in here works; lord knows it's been a while since you used a restroom properly.".
The CJstall is an open container in PLA2. The printed name of the CJstall is "stall". The CJstall is enterable and openable. The CJstall is scenery. The CJstall is transparent. The description is "A walled bathroom stall in the corner of the room. Someone wrote '[italic type]Beware Horse[roman type]' on the side of the stall in marker. For [if Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall]some reason[else if Rowdy Tumnus is inyourface]a reason that is now abundantly clear[end if]. Below that, someone has written '[italic type]Don't use the shitter, bro![roman type]', also in marker. Pretty wide existential gap between those two graffiti but okay. Anyway the door to the stall is [if the CJstall is open]slightly ajar[else]closed[end if]." Understand "door" and "stall door" as the CJstall. Understand "stall" as the CJstall. Understand "bathroom stall" as the CJstall.
Instead of Going2init the CJstall: say "What, like through the door? Maybe try using the toilet.".
After entering the CJstall: try looking.
After exiting from the CJstall: try looking.
Instead of examining the CJstall when the CJplayerproxy is install: try looking.
The CJbar is scenery inside the CJstall. The printed name of the CJbar is "grab bar". Understand "grab bar" and "bar" as the CJbar. The description of the CJbar is "One of those metal grab bars for people who have difficulties walking or standing, set into the wall next to the toilet.".
After closing the CJstall when the player is inside the CJstall: say "[if Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall]You close the stall door, noting that someone has scratched the words '[italic type]I Told You Not To Use The Shitter, Broseph[roman type]' into the inside of the stall door. Below that, someone has inscribed the Elder Sign. Okay fine, maybe this isn't a normal bathroom.[else if Rowdy Tumnus is inyourface]You slam the door of the stall closed, and see that someone has scratched the words '[italic type]I Told You Not To Use The Shitter, Broseph[roman type]' into the inside of the stall door. No kidding. Below that, someone has inscribed the Elder Sign. It is pulsating, faintly, in time with the hideous horse/car noises coming from outside the stall.[end if]"
Understand "lock [the CJstall]" as CJlockingthestall when the location is PLA2. CJlockingthestall is an action applying to one thing.
Instead of locking the CJstall with something: say "You try, but it looks like somebody busted out the damn lock. Man this bathroom is in need of maintenance.".
Instead of CJlockingthestall: say "You can't, somebody busted out the damn lock.".
CJusing is an action applying to one object. Understand "use [a thing]" as CJusing when the location is PLA2. Carry out CJusing something: say "You're not sure how.[paragraph break]".
The CJElderSign is scenery in the CJstall. The printed name of the CJElderSign is "Elder Sign". The description of the CJElderSign is "Somebody carved it into the back of the stall door. It's like a lazy five-pointed star with a flame (or maybe it's an eye) in the center. Supposedly the Elder Sign is a powerful magical symbol that wards off Eldritch Abominations, at least according to an ancient worm-eaten manuscript that you once found propping up one corner of an old oven at a stoop sale.[paragraph break]At least that's what you recall; the wretched she-harpy hosting the sale refused to come down on the price of a panini press and you ended up walking off in a huff without buying anything at all, including the manuscript. Which in retrospect was clearly the wrong call but come on, who charges 'like new' price for a panini press with rivulets of burned cheese all over the sides??[paragraph break]Anyway, there's an Elder Sign on the door and it's glowing a little bit. Maybe that means its working?" Understand "Elder Sign" as the CJElderSign. Understand "sign" as the CJElderSign. Understand "elder" as the CJeldersign.
Does the player mean doing something with the CJElderSign when the CJplayerproxy is install and the CJstall is closed: it is likely.
Does the player mean doing something with the toiletsign when the CJplayerproxy is install and the CJstall is open: it is likely.
Part 1.25 - The Toilet Because Toilets Are Stupid Complicated Especially This Toilet
The CJtoilet is a thing in the CJstall. The CJtoilet is scenery. The printed name of the CJToilet is "toilet". Understand "toilet" as the CJtoilet. The CJtoilet is a supporter. The CJtoilet is enterable. Check entering the CJtoilet: If the CJstall is open, say "Close the door first, you fucking barbarian." instead. The CJtoilet can be CJunflushable or CJflushable. The CJtoilet is CJunflushable. Understand "can" as the CJtoilet. Understand "commode" as the CJtoilet. Understand "shitter" as the CJtoilet.
Instead of CJusing the CJtoilet when the CJstall is open: say "Close the door first, you fucking barbarian." instead.
Instead of Going2init the CJtoilet when the CJstall is open: say "Close the door first, you fucking barbarian." instead.
Instead of CJusing the CJtoilet when the CJstall is closed: try CJflushing the CJtoilet.
Report entering the CJtoilet: say "You sit on the toilet." instead.
The description of the CJtoilet is "A standard porcelain commode. Suspiciously clean for a meatpacking plant bathroom, although it's probably covered in a thin layer of invisible meat debris like everything else in this plant. The bowl is [if the CJtoiletbowl is closed]closed[else]open, containing [a list of things in the CJtoiletbowl][end if].[if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl and the CJtoiletbowl is open] The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther appears to have replaced the normal toilet water when you activated the pentagram. It's glowing slightly, bathing the stall in a panalopy of alien colors that have no terrestrial equivalents.[else if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl and the CJtoiletbowl is closed] There's a crazy alien glow coming from underneath the lid of the toilet.[end if][if the CJtoilet is CJunflushable] It appears that the toilet is currently unflushable due to the fact that some obnoxious fuck ran off with the flush handle.[end if] Also, there is a sign taped to the toilet that has printed on it: '[italic type]Caution! Danger! Subatomic structure of toilet EXTREMELY compromised! Localized failure of the strong nuclear force may occur! Use is unadvised! -maintenance[roman type], and then farther down on the sign in a different hand: '[italic type]RIP JON I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHIT HERE![roman type]'. Troubling signage, to say the least.".
The toiletsign is part of the CJtoilet. Understand "sign" and "toilet sign" and "sign on toilet" and "sign on the toilet" as the toiletsign. The printed name of the toiletsign is "sign on the toilet". The description of the toiletsign is "It has some words printed on it: '[italic type]Do Not Use! Toilet Is Very Extremely Broken! Danger! -maintenance[roman type] and then farther down in a different hand: '[italic type]RIP JON I TOLD YOU NOT TO SHIT HERE![roman type]'. Somewhat concerning, that.". Instead of taking the toiletsign: say "Nah, you'd feel weird taking Jon's memorial.". The toiletsign is fixed in place.
The CJtoilet can be tapedshut, nottaped, or CJenfuego. The CJtoilet is tapedshut. The indefinite article of the CJtoilet is "the".
Instead of switching on the CJtoilet: try CJflushing the noun.
CJflushing is an action applying to one thing. Understand "flush [a thing]" as CJflushing when the location is PLA2. Carry out CJflushing: say "That isn't a thing you can flush. Probably.".
Instead of Going2init the CJtoilet when the CJstall is closed:
if the CJtoilet is CJunflushable:
say "You'd love to. Except the toilet appears to be missing a flush handle. Maybe if you found another knob or handle you could screw in there? You just don't feel right leaving it to mellow in somebody else's meatpacking plant, you know?";
else if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl:
say "No. The bowl is full of luminiferous [unicode 230]ther. You've never gone directly into a discredited hypothesis for the propagation of light through a spatial plenum, and you're not about to start now, by gum.";
else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl:
say "As much as part of you would enjoy dropping a deuce directly into the underpinnings of the Space-Time continuum, you don't want to feel responsible for the effects.";
else:
say "You really wanted to. And then a boneless horse that lived in the pipes broke through the wall like the Kool-Aid man and started trying to kick you to death, which caused all of your relevant bodyparts to retreat even further into your abdomen that usual. So maybe later.".
[states are: nothing in the toilet, ]
[[if the CJtoilet is CJunflushable]Unfortunately it looks like some jackass has removed and run off with the flush handle dealie that one normally uses to flush a toilet, and you can't see a lid on the tank, so the toilet looks out of commission at the moment unless you can find a way to address that.[else if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl] The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther is glowing slightly, bathing the stall in a panalopy of alien colors that have no terrestrial equivalents.[else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl] (At least you think the glowing mass of Higgs boson particles is in the toilet; they should as long as you're not looking at them but they're not if you are. Goddamn particle physics.)[end if][paragraph break]Next to the toilet, there's one of those grab bars set into the wall. Next to that, there's a little door to whz
at appears to be a janitor's closet, if the word 'Janitor' on the door is any indication. Next to [italic type]that[roman type], there's a medicine cabinet. And all around those things are graffiti. Just tons and tons of graffiti.]
[Instead of CJbathrooming:
if Rowdy Tumnus is not in PLA2:
if Rowdy Tumnus is not alreadygone:
say "This is a bathroom with like a half dozen fixtures[if the CJplayerproxy is invoid] in space[end if]. Maybe be more specific about where you want to do that?";
else:
say "You can't now. All the places to go got sucked into [if Rowdy Tumnus is inspacenow] orbit around an evil alien planet[else if Rowdy Tumnus is inpastnow] the Lower Cambrian Epoch[end if] along with a boneless horse. Which is unfortunate because you've just been holding it this entire time and you're starting to feel a bit like a somewhat yellower Violet Beauregarde.";
else:
say "You already went a little when the giant boneless murderhorse burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man and started making engine noises at you."]
Before CJflushing the CJtoilet when the CJtoilet is CJunflushable:
say "You try to flush the toilet, but someone has unscrewed and removed the little flush handle lever thing. Well what the fuck.[paragraph break]Maybe if you had another knob or handle you could put it on the toilet? If, you know, you wanted to. Probably all the employees of the meatpacking plant who've been holding it in for who-knows how long would be grateful, if nothing else. Hell, maybe people would even stop shitting in the sink and the urinal.";
stop the action.
Understand "screw [something] onto [something]" as CJscrewing it to when the location is PLA2. CJscrewing it to is an action applying to two visible things. Understand "screw [something] into [something]" and "attach [something] to [something]" as CJscrewing it to when the location is PLA2. Understand "screw [something] to [something]" as CJscrewing it to when the location is PLA2.
Understand "screw [something]" as CJscrewcatching when the location is PLA2. CJscrewcatching is an action applying to one visible thing.
Before CJscrewcatching something:
say "If you mean to screw something into something, try 'screw something into something' instead. If you meant something else, this probably isn't the time or place.";
stop the action.
Carry out CJscrewing something to something:
try putting the noun on the second noun.
Instead of putting the warm knob on the CJtoilet when the CJtoilet is CJunflushable:
if the CJtap is not part of the CJtoilet:
now the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet;
now the CJtoilet is CJflushable;
say "You screw the shower knob onto the toilet where the flush handle goes. You should be able to flush the toilet now.";
else:
now the warm knob is on the CJtoilet.
Instead of taking the warm knob when the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet: say "Nah, you're tired of taking knobs off of things. Besides, now the toilet works. Sort of.".
Instead of putting the CJtap on the CJtoilet when the CJtoilet is CJunflushable:
if the warm knob is not part of the CJtoilet:
say "You screw the sink handle onto the toilet where the flush handle goes. Now people can wash their hands in the toilet! Wait, no, scratch that. Now you can flush the toilet!";
now the CJtoilet is CJflushable;
now the CJtap is part of the CJtoilet;
else:
now the CJtap is on the CJtoilet.
Instead of taking the CJtap when the CJtap is part of the CJtoilet: say "Nah, it's got the toilet working. Sort of.".
The CJtoiletbowl is part of the CJtoilet. Understand "toilet bowl" as the CJtoiletbowl. Understand "toiletbowl" as the CJtoiletbowl. Understand "toilet lid" or "lid" as the CJtoiletbowl. The printed name of the CJToiletbowl is "toilet bowl". The indefinite article is "the". The CJtoiletbowl is a container. The CJtoiletbowl is open. Understand "lid" as the CJtoiletbowl. Instead of inserting something into the CJtoilet: try inserting the noun into the CJtoiletbowl. Instead of opening the CJtoilet: try opening the CJtoiletbowl. Instead of closing the CJtoilet: try closing the CJtoiletbowl. Understand "bowl" as the CJtoiletbowl. The CJtoiletbowl is fixed in place.
Instead of examining the CJtoiletbowl: try examining the CJtoilet.
Instead of closing the CJtoiletbowl: say "You try closing the toilet lid, but it appears that hooligans have superglued the hinges or something so it's stuck in the upright position. Buncha vandals up in this meatpacking plant.". Instead of opening the CJtoiletbowl: say "It's already open."
Instead of inserting something into the CJtoilet, try inserting the noun into the CJtoiletbowl instead.
Instead of putting something on the CJtoiletbowl: try putting the noun on the CJtoilet instead.
The CJtoilet water is scenery in the CJtoiletbowl. The printed name of the CJtoilet water is "some toilet water". Understand "water" and "toilet water" as the CJtoilet water. The CJtoilet water is proper-named.
Instead of taking the CJtoilet water: say "What, with your cupped hands? Ew.".
Instead of inserting the CJtoilet water into something: say "You don't feel like putting the toilet water into [the noun]".
The CJteleport water is a thing. The printed name of the CJteleport water is "some kind of luminiferous [unicode 230]ther". The CJteleport water is proper-named. The description is "It's some manner or other of luminiferous [unicode 230]ther, the kind that astronomers and Greek philosophers used to think that space was filled with. They were wrong about it being in space but apparently sometimes it is in toilet bowls? Anyway, it appears to have replaced the normal toilet water. It's glowing slightly, flickering through a series of sickly alien colors that have no terrestrial equivalent.". Understand "aether" and "ether" and "ather" as the CJteleport water. The CJteleport water is fixed in place.
Instead of taking the CJteleport water: say "You're not sure how? It's kind of insubstantial to everything except gravity and light, at least if Newton was right. And even if you could just grab it, that would still require you to stick your mitts up to the elbow into the toiletbowl of a meatpacking plant."
Instead of taking the CJhiggsbosons: say "You start to reach out to take some but as soon as you think about them being in the toilet bowl, they're not any more. Damnable particle physics.".
There is a CJcandle on the CJtoilet. The printed name of the CJcandle is "candle shaped like a human hand". Understand "candle" and "human hand" as the CJcandle. Understand "hand" as the CJcandle. Understand "hand candle" as the CJcandle. The description of the CJcandle is "You see nothing special about the candle shaped like a human hand.[paragraph break]...what? It's just a weirdly shaped candle. Lots of bathrooms have candles, to freshen the air after using the facilities. That's all this is.[if the CJcandle is CJenfuego] It even smells like lavender![end if] Totally normal bathroom![if the CJcandle is CJenfuego][paragraph break]The index finger is lit, but weirdly enough the candle isn't melting. Huh. Maybe it's not wax? What kind of a candle isn't made of wax?[end if]"
There is a vintage issue of Juggs Magazine on the CJtoilet. The vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is a book. The description of Juggs Magazine is "It's the Virgin Alewives of the Midwest issue, according to the cover. 'Oh hey dere I've never had a man but I'd sure like to doncha know!' proclaims the woman on the front in big red 80[apostrophe]s font, as she stands there with two strategically-placed giant beer steins and not nearly enough clothing for a Midwest winter.[paragraph break]Ooo, it says there's an article on cornhole strategy, too!". Understand "glinda" and "glinda shultzpinski" as the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine.
The passage of the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is "You flip through the vintage issue of Juggs magazine. Apparently the cover model's name is Glinda Shultzpinski. She's from a town called Cheddar Creek, and her turn-ons include Friday fish-fries, music by the BoDeans, and long walks on the lake. Any lake. Apparently her hometown has like four lakes. Anyway, as the cover stated, she's allegedly never been with a man but would like to. Dare to dream, Glinda."
After reading the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine for the first time: now the description of the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is "It's the Virgin Alewives of the Midwest issue, according to the cover. 'Oh hey dere I've never had a man but I'd sure like to doncha know!' proclaims cover model Gilda Shultzpinski in big red 80[apostrophe]s font, as she stands there with two strategically-placed giant beer steins and not nearly enough clothing for a Midwest winter.[paragraph break]Ooo, it says there's an article on cornhole strategy, too!".
Instead of Going2init the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine: say "There's no way you could do that to Glinda.".
After taking the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine for the first time:
say "Taken.[paragraph break]Oh hey looks like somebody left a handwritten note tucked in the back of the vintage issue of Juggs. It becomes dislodged by your ministrations and floats gently to the floor of the stall.";
now the CJhandwritten note is in the CJstall.
The CJhandwritten note is a thing. The CJhandwritten note can be CJkindling. The CJhandwritten note is CJkindling. The CJhandwritten note can be CJenfuego. The printed name of the CJhandwritten note is "handwritten note you found in the back of a vintage issue of Juggs Magazine[if the CJhandwritten note is CJenfuego] (on fire)[end if]". Instead of reading the CJhandwritten note: try examining the CJhandwritten note. The description of the CJhandwritten note is "It has some writing on it in gothic script, which says:[paragraph break][italic type]Edward! Stop leaving the damn candle on the pentagram when you're not using the toilet-portal. I'm tired of the meatpacking proletariat falling ass-first into orbit around my [roman type][bracket]mustard stain[close bracket][italic type] and dying there every week. And I'm already burning through a truly astounding quantity of baby souls to maintain a bathroom in two spacetime locations at once, much less keep a five-million-mile wormhole open for every sausagewright that can't be arsed to read a sign on the work toilet. So again: keep the candle off the pentagram and don't open up any more portals![paragraph break]Also, it is absolutely imperative that you get that demonic monster out of the bathroom pipes before it kills again, lest we be caught. Since it is an unliving abomination that cannot die, I recommend banishment: use the [roman type][bracket]ketchup stain[close bracket][italic type] spell on the vellum [roman type][bracket]more ketchup[close bracket][italic type] scroll; it's on my bookshelf. As my apprentice you should have the magickal skill to cast the spell on the horse without your [roman type][bracket]whiteout, or possibly mayo[close bracket][italic type] turning inside out.[paragraph break]At any rate I have business in space, but expect my return on the full moon of [roman type][bracket]mayo?[close bracket][italic type][paragraph break]I remain,[line break]Konstan[roman type][bracket]lettuce stuck on the page[close bracket][italic type] Cragne[line break]P.S.: If I find you have touched my journal in my absence, I shall transmogrify you into an abscess on a buttocks. xxoxo be good[roman type][paragraph break]Oh lord, this bathroom has some mysterious mystical connection to one of your bizarre in-laws. Why are they all so weird and/or evil?[if Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall] And a horse? What horse? What's turning inside out, now? Demon in the pipes?[end if] One thing at least is for certain: Edward (whoever that is) needs to stop eating on the can while reading his mail".
After examining the CJhandwritten note: now the printed name of the CJhandwritten note is "real weird handwritten note you found in the back of a vintage issue of Juggs Magazine". Understand "handwritten" and "note" as the CJhandwritten note. Understand "handwritten note" as the CJhandwritten note. The CJhandwritten note can be CJexamined. Understand "weird note" and "real weird handwritten note" and "note" as the CJhandwritten note.
Before examining the CJhandwritten note for the first time: now the CJhandwritten note is CJexamined.
The CJlighter is in the CJmedicine cabinet. The printed name of the CJlighter is "cheap lighter". Understand "lighter" or "cheap lighter" as the CJlighter. The description is "One of those cheap shitty little cigarette lighters you buy out of a tray at a bodega or gas station, the ones that don't work very well and have too little fluid. People only buy these when they're broke, or when they're so high that they actually appreciate the cliche head-shop clip-art on the side of the thing.[paragraph break]The art on this one is of a wizard holding a glowing marijuana leaf up over his head like it's the frikkin[apostrophe] Triforce. Damn. That's actually rad.". After examining the CJlighter for the first time: now the printed name of the CJlighter is "rad wizard lighter". Understand "wizard lighter" and "rad lighter" and "rad wizard lighter" as the CJlighter. Understand "cheap gas station lighter" and "gas station lighter" as the CJlighter. Understand "bodega lighter" as the CJlighter.
The CJPepto is a thing in the CJmedicine cabinet. The printed name is "bottle of Pepto-Bismol". The description is "A bottle of pink bismuth-subsalicylate. It's for drinking when your poops are sick.". Understand "pepto" and "pepto bismol" and "bismuth" as the CJpepto. Instead of drinking the CJPepto: say "[if Rowdy Tumnus is alreadygone]You chug some pepto. Wish there was some alcohol in it. Goddamn it's been a rough day.[else]Nah, your poops aren't sick enough for the pink chalk.[end if]".
Instead of Going2init the CJPepto: say "No. That's completely backwards from how that's supposed to work.".
CJpouring it into is an action applying to two things. Understand "pour [something] into [something]" as CJpouring it into when the location is PLA2. Understand "pour [something] onto [something]" as CJpouring it into when the location is PLA2. Understand "mix [something] with [something]" and "mix [something] into [something]" as CJpouring it into when the location is PLA2.
The CJpotion is a thing with the printed name "Potion of Fortitude and Glowing and Smelling Bad". The description is "According to the scroll you found in space, this potion will keep you from turning inside out or something when you wave the ermine around to banish the boneless horse from the meatpacking plant bathroom.[paragraph break]Wow. What a sentence THAT was.". Understand "potion" and "potion of fortitude" as the CJpotion. The CJpotion can be CJdrank. Understand "can" and "mountain dew" and "mountai dew can" and "trilobite milk" and "pepto bismol" as the CJpotion. Instead of smelling the CJpotion, say "You can smell it just fine from here, thanks." Understand "dew" as the CJpotion.
Instead of drinking or eating the CJpotion:
say "You take a sip of the glowing, foul-smelling Fortitude potion and quickly realize that drinking it slowly is the wrong way to do this. So you chug the whole can, only to discover that drinking this at all was the real mistake. It's sort of lumpy, slick and wriggling under its own power as it goes down. Your stomach instantly rejects the gooey acidic mass, warning you with cramps and reflux that it is having none of this. You argue and then plead with your stomach, pointing out that it is going to be just as bad on the way back up. You also point out that it's got pepto in it so your stomach should quit whining. Eventually your stomach grimly accepts the task ahead of it and gets to work, which is when you notice that your skin is glowing faintly now.";
now the CJpotion is CJdrank;
now the CJpotion is nowhere.
Carry out CJpouring it into:
if the noun is the CJPepto:
if the second noun is the CJcanofdew:
say "You pour some of the pepto out, into the can of Dew. This one's for the homies. The homies with diarrhea.[if CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled] Then you swish the concoction around for a moment, and it begins to glow! And smell. It smells real bad. If someone told you this was a Potion of Glowing and Smelling, and not Fortitude like the scroll said, you would not fight them.";
now the CJcanofdew is CJpeptoed;
if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled:
now the CJcanofdew is nowhere;
move the CJpotion to the player;
else:
say "You pour a little of the pepto out for the homies. The homies with diarrhea.";
else if the noun is the CJcanofdew:
say "Hmm. Maybe try to find the bismuth and pour it in here instead?[if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled]";
else:
say "That's not really pourable into that.".
The CJmedicine cabinet is scenery in the CJstall. The CJmedicine cabinet is a container. The printed name of the CJmedicine cabinet is "medicine cabinet". The CJmedicine cabinet is openable and closed. The description of the CJmedicine cabinet is "A laminated white medicine cabinet bolted to the wall above the toilet.". Understand "medicine cabinet" as the CJmedicine cabinet.
Instead of Going2init the CJmedicine cabinet: say "You're not even sure you could manage the angle to do that, even if you wanted to."
The bloodstained witch-knife is a thing in the CJmedicine cabinet. The description is "More properly known as an 'athame', it's a black-handled witch-knife that sorcerors use in rituals to focus magical energy. And also to shank folks. This one is covered in dried blood, indicating a shanking happened at some point in the past." Understand "knife" as the bloodstained witch-knife. Understand "witch-knife" and "witch knife" as the bloodstained witch-knife. Understand "athame" as the bloodstained witch-knife. Understand "knife" as the bloodstained witch-knife.
The CJanitors closet is a container in the CJstall. The CJanitors closet is scenery. The CJanitors closet is openable and closed and locked. Understand "janitor closet" and "janitor's closet" and "janitors closet" as the CJanitors closet. The printed name of the CJanitors closet is "janitor's closet". Understand "janitors" and "janitor's" as the Cjanitors closet.
The CJFurCoat is a wearable thing in the CJanitors closet. The printed name is "fur coat". The description is "The tag says it's genuine ermine (which you're pretty sure is a kind of stoat). This is pretty baller for a meatpacking plant janitor.". Understand "coat" and "fur" and "fur coat" as the CJFurCoat. Understand "ermine" and "stoat" and "ermine coat" and "stoat coat" as the CJfurcoat.
Report wearing the CJfurcoat: say "You put on the ermine coat. It smells like old lady perfume spilled in the bottom of a thrift store bin so bad that you want to gag, but nobody said being glamorous was easy, baby." instead.
The CJfurcoat can be CJwaved.
Instead of waving the CJFurCoat:
if the CJpotion is CJdrank:
say "You wave the fur stoat-coat. Magical energies swirl around and about the coat. They might not be magical energies. They might be trails of thrift store dust. Anyway, there's swirling that happens.";
now the CJfurcoat is CJwaved;
else:
say "Hmm. The scroll said something real bad would happen if the ermine and/or stoat was dead but you hadn't drank a potion of some kind yet when you waved it. Something about organs not being where organs should be? Maybe hold off on that?".
The CJfootcandle is a thing in the CJanitors closet. The printed name of the CJfootcandle is "candle shaped like a human foot". Understand "candle" and "foot candle" and "candle shaped like a human foot" and "foot" as the CJfootcandle. The description of the CJfootcandle is "You're starting to worry that the candlers who are supplying this restroom are running out of PG bodyparts.[if the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego] One of the toes is on fire. That's okay though, you did that on purpose. Looks like this one doesn't melt when exposed to heat either. Freaking weird body-part-shaped not-wax candles...[end if]". The CJfootcandle can be CJenfuego.
Part 1.26 The Alien Void Bathroom
The CJvoid is a container in PLA2. The CJvoid is scenery. The printed name is "terrifying void full of alien stars (aka 'space')". Understand "void" and "space" and "stars" and "alien stars" and "void full of stars" and "void full of alien stars" as the CJvoid. [The CJvoid is transparent.]
The CJfakevoid is scenery in the CJvoid. Understand "space" as the CJfakevoid. Understand "stars" and "alien stars" and "void full of stars" and "void full of alien stars" as the CJfakevoid. The description is "It's beautiful, in an 'Oh god oh god no I'm probably going to die here on a space toilet' kind of way.".
The printed name of the CJfakevoid is "terrifying void full of alien stars (aka 'space')".
Does the player mean doing something to the CJfakevoid when the player is in the CJvoid: it is likely.
Instead of doing something other than examining to the CJfakevoid: say "It's the airless void of space, you can't do anything except look at it.".
Report dropping something when the player is in the CJvoid: say "You drop [the noun], but it bounces and floats up into orbit with the other weird crap here due to the low gravity.".
Before doing something to something when the player is on the CJspacetoilet and the noun is in the CJvoid:
place the noun in scope.
Instead of Going2init something when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: say "God no you're in space it could go anywhere. ANYWHERE.".
[Instead of doing something to the CJcorpses when the player is on the CJspacetoilet: say "".
Instead of doing something to the CJcorpses when the player is in the CJstall: say "".]
To say CJvoidlook:
say "This is a perfectly normal bathroom. In space. Beyond the visible rays of the life-giving sun, surrounded by strange and distant constellations. There's a bathroom stall ([if the player is in the CJspacestall]which you are in, and which in turn is floating in space[else]which is floating in the void of space next to you[else if the player is on the CJspacetoilet]which you are in, and which in turn is floating in space[else if the player is in the CJvoid]which is floating in the void of space next to you[end if]), a urinal (floating in space nearby), a sink with a mirror over it (yup, both floating in space) and even a shower (space!) for those days at work when you are FLOATING IN THE LIFELESS VOID OF SPACE OH GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN YOUR CHILD IN THIS FRIGID AIRLESS HELL.[paragraph break]Actually wait okay, there appears to be air at least, that's something. [if the player is in the CJspacestall]And it's pretty cozy in the stall, to be honest. The toilet itself is a lot nicer here, and there's an old-timey phonograph and even a fireplace with a hearth on one side of the stall. It isn't the worst restroom you've patronized, even accounting for the fact that you're millions of miles from everything you've ever known or loved and surrounded by weird shit. Speaking of which:[else if the player is on the CJspacetoilet]And it's pretty cozy in the stall, to be honest. The toilet itself is a lot nicer here, and there's an old-timey phonograph and even a fireplace with a hearth on one side of the stall. It wouldn't be the worst place you've dropped a deuce, even accounting for the fact that you're millions of miles from everything you've ever known or loved and surrounded by weird shit. Speaking of which:[end if][paragraph break]There's some weird shit orbitting the space bathroom-stall: [cjvoidstuffs]and what appears to be a... [apostrophe]70s Pontiac Firebird a little farther out, all circling slowly through space.[paragraph break]And the bathroom itself appears to be in orbit around an icy planetoid many miles below you, the curve taking up much of your view in one direction. The planetoid is covered in alien spires and hurts to look at. Otherwise, you know, this is still a perfectly normal meatpacking plant bathroom. In space.".
The CJmixedfixtures are scenery in the CJvoid. The printed name is "bathroom fixtures (in space)". Understand "sink" and "shower" as the CJmixedfixtures. Understand "mirror" as the CJmixedfixtures. The description is "The sink and shower, along with the mirror, are floating serenly nearby in space. They're a little farther out than you're comfortable traveling to from the stall, considering that they are in the airless void of space and the strongest nearby gravitational pull is from a toilet."
The CJspaceurinal is scenery in the CJvoid. Understand "urinal" as the CJspaceurinal. Understand "space urinal" as the CJspaceurinal. The printed name of the CJspaceurinal is "space urinal (in space)". The description of the CJspaceurinal is "It's floating serenly near the pentagram, a little farther out than you're comfortable traveling to from the stall considering that the area between the two is life-negating void. You can't see from here if there's a urinal cake in this one too, but you assume not (smell not really being a big thing in the airless gulf of space.)".
Before doing something to the CJurinal when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: now the noun is the CJspaceurinal.
Instead of doing something other than examining to the CJspaceurinal: say "It's like a dozen feet away from the stall in the cold void of space. You didn't come prepared for space travel, even a short distance, so you're just going to have to wait till you get back to Vermont to interact with a urinal.".
The CJpontiac is a thing in the CJvoid. The CJpontiac is scenery. Instead of doing something to the CJpontiac: say "A 70[apostrophe]s Pontiac Firebird Trans-Am. Cherry red. Floating in space for some reason. It's too far away from the bathroom stall to do anything to, though. Wait, is it... is it making soft horse noises? What the fuck.". Understand "pontiac" and "firebird" and "transam" and "trans am" and "trans-am" and "pontiac firebird trans-am" as the CJpontiac. Instead of listening to the CJpontiac: say "You listen. Yep, damn thing is making horse noises for some reason.". Understand "car" and "muscle car" as the CJpontiac. The printed name of the CJpontiac is "Pontiac Firebird Trans-Am". Understand "pontiac firebird" and "pontiac trans am" and "pontiac firebird trans am" as the CJpontiac.
Instead of doing something other than examining or taking to the CJmixedfixtures:
say "The bathroom fixtures besides the stall are a little farther out in the airless void than you'd prefer to travel. I mean I understand the draw of working bathroom fixtures, just maybe we can wait until we're back on a terrestrial object with decent gravity to wash up or check for makeup smears.".
To say cjvoidstuffs:
if the CJvoid holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJvoid:
if N is the CJspacestall:
do nothing;
else if N is the player:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJfakevoid:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJspaceurinal:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJpontiac:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJmixedfixtures:
do nothing;
else if N is CJyuggoth:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJcorpses:
say "some corpses, ";
else if N is the CJshelf:
say "a small bookshelf (on which is [a list of things on the CJshelf]), ";
else:
say "[printed name of N], ".
CJyuggoth is scenery in the CJvoid. The printed name of CJyuggoth is "icy planetoid". The description of CJyuggoth is "The lower half of your view is the curve of an icy planetoid covered in fluted alien spires that are barely visible against the inky blackness of space. Squinting, you can just barely make out strange, unwholesome shapes bumble-flying among the spires. The flying things must be huge, bigger than buildings. The flying things hurt to look at. The spires hurt to look at. The whole planetoid hurts to look at. There is something unsavory and threatening about all of it.[paragraph break]And you can't shake the gut feeling that the planetoid is somehow looking back at you. Even though that is insane.". Understand "planetoid" and "icy planetoid" as CJyuggoth. Understand "yuggoth" as CJyuggoth.
Instead of doing something other than examining to CJyuggoth: say "It's too far away to do anything but look at, really.".
The CJalienspires are part of CJyuggoth. The description is "Miles and miles high, with sharp tower-tips rising like dark fingers into the upper atmosphere of the icy planetoid. They're made of some kind of black stone and lit with giant lights pulsing a sickly green-purple. They look bruised and unhealthy, and the geometry hurts to look at. Huge flying things bumble between the spires." Understand "spires" and "fluted spires" and "alien spires" as the CJalienspires.
The CJmigothings are part of CJyuggoth. The description is "They look small from here, but based on the distance they must be huge. Bigger than most buildings. They're shaped a little like loaves of bread, or larvae maybe. Larvae the size of buildings. They are bumbling and squirming through the air between the spires.[paragraph break]Huh, wait, are they heading upwards and getting closer, slowly? Well that's unsettling.". Understand "flying things" and "unwholesome shapes" as the CJmigothings. Understand "shapes" and "bumble" and "bumble things" and "bread loaf" and "larvae" as the CJmigothings.
Some CJcorpses are scenery in the CJvoid. The printed name is "corpses". The indefinite article of the CJcorpses is "some". The description of the CJcorpses is "There's a bunch of frozen space corpses in low orbit around the bathroom, most of them in meatpacking employee coveralls. Wow, no wonder they had people stop using the toilet.[if the CJcoveralls are part of the CJedward]One corpse's coveralls has a name-patch that says 'Ed' on the front, and 'Janitor' on the back. Guess that corpse is named Ed. Was named Ed. Do corpses still have people names? Hmm.[paragraph break]On a loop of Ed's coveralls, you see a pair of keys.[else]Ed's corpse floats nearby, bare-assed and frozen.[end if][if the CJhandwritten note is CJexamined] Presumably that same corpse is the 'Edward' mentioned in that handwritten note you found on the other side of the portal-toilet.[end if]".
Understand "corpses" as the CJcorpses. Understand "corpse"as the CJcorpses.
Carry out examining the CJcorpses for the first time: now CJedward is in the CJvoid.
CJedward is a thing. CJedward is scenery. The printed name of CJedward is "Ed's frozen space corpse". CJedward is proper-named. The description of CJedward is "A [if the CJcoveralls are not part of CJedward]buck-naked [end if]frozen corpse floating in space, whose name (based on the completely circumstantial but compelling evidence of the name patch on his coveralls[if the CJcoveralls are not part of CJedward] that you stole[end if]) is Ed. And if you believe the other words on the coveralls[if the CJcoveralls are not part of CJedward] that no longer cover his frozen dead buttocks[end if], Ed is also the janitor of the meatpacking plant. Was the janitor. Maybe still is; the janitor being a [if the CJcoveralls are not part of CJedward]naked [end if]dead guy floating in space would explain why nobody's cleaned all that graffiti off the stall.[if the CJhandwritten note is CJexamined] And it's just a guess, but he's probably the Edward mentioned in that note you found tucked into the vintage issue of Juggs on the back of the can.[end if][if the CJcoveralls are part of CJedward][paragraph break]There's a set of keys attached to Ed's coveralls.[end if]". Understand "ed" and "edward" and "ed's corpse" and "edward's corpse" and "eds corpse" and "edwards corpse" as CJedward.
Instead of taking CJedward when the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
say "He's hardly portable.[if the CJcoveralls are not part of CJedward] Also he's buck-ass nude and you ain't carrying no buck-ass nude spaceman around today if you can help it.[end if]".
The CJcoveralls is part of CJedward. The description of the CJcoveralls is "Ed's coveralls. There's a set of keys attached to them. They say 'Ed' on the front and 'Janitor' on the back, and they're covered in ketchup, mayo and mustard. Edward, you were a messy, messy boy.". The CJcoveralls are wearable. Understand "coveralls" and "Ed's coveralls" and "Eds coveralls" as the CJcoveralls. The printed name of the CJcoveralls is "Ed's coveralls". CJcoveralls are proper-named.
Report unlocking the CJanitors closet with the CJcoveralls:
if the CJanitors closet is locked:
say "(with the keys on Ed's coveralls)[line break]You unlock the janitor's closet." instead.
Instead of taking the CJcoveralls for the first time:
say "You reach up onto the floating corpses and wrestle with Ed's coveralls, eventually stripping them from his frozen corpse. Turns out Ed liked to freeball it, and now it looks like he's mooning that icy planetoid the bathroom is orbitting.";
move the CJcoveralls to the player;
now the printed name of CJedward is "Ed's bare-assed frozen space corpse".
Instead of putting the CJcoveralls on CJedward: say "Your concern for Ed's modesty does you credit, but he's kinda brittle and you almost snapped one of his frozen limbs off getting the coveralls in the first place. What if you got them back on but he snapped in half like a frozen milky way chocolate bar in the process? Then the coveralls would only cover one half while the other half floated off into space. Best not to.".
The CJcoveralls unlock the CJanitors closet.
The Cjanitorial keys are part of the CJcoveralls. The printed name is "janitor's keys". Before unlocking the CJanitors closet with the CJanitorial keys: now the second noun is the CJcoveralls. Understand "set of keys" and "janitor's keys" and "janitors keys" and "Ed's keys" and "Eds keys" and "Ed keys" and "keys" as the CJanitorial keys. Instead of taking Cjanitorial keys: say "[if the CJcoveralls are part of CJedward]You reach up and try to take Ed's keys. Shit, they're attached to his coveralls.[else]Those are attached to the coveralls, and/or you can't use them to unlock whatever you're trying to unlock. These are the keys to the Janitor's closet in the meatpacking restroom, specifically.[end if]".
Before unlocking the CJournal with the Cjanitorial keys:
say "You try, but they don't fit the lock.";
stop the action.
Report wearing the CJcoveralls: say "You put on the greasy foodstained coveralls that you stripped off a frozen corpse you found floating in a space bathroom. You nasty, girl. I'm not saying I don't like it, but you nasty." instead.
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the CJvoid:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
no;
otherwise:
yes.
[Before doing something to something when the noun is in PLA2 and the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
if the noun is not in the CJvoid:
if the noun is not in the CJstall:
if the noun is not on the CJshelf:
if the noun is not on the CJspacetoilet:
if the noun is not the CJpentagram:
say "You can't see any such thing.[line break]" instead;
stop the action.]
[Definition: a thing is CJoutofthevoid if it is in PLA2.
Instead of doing something to a CJoutofthevoid thing when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: say "You can't see any such thing."]
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of PLA2:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
yes;
else:
no.
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the Cjpentagram:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
yes;
else if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach:
yes;
else:
no.
Instead of doing something to the CJtoilet when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: now the noun is the CJspacetoilet.
Instead of inserting something into the CJpentagram: try putting the noun on the CJpentagram.
The CJspacestall is lit.
The CJspacestall is a container in the CJvoid. The printed name of the CJspacestall is "stall (in space)". The CJspacestall is open. The CJspacestall is lit. The CJspacestall is enterable. The CJspacestall is transparent. The CJspacestall is scenery. Understand "stall" and "stall in space" and "stall (in space)" as the CJspacestall. The description of the CJspacestall is "Honestly it's a little nicer than the one on the other side of the magical portal-toilet. There's no weird graffiti, for one thing. And the seat on the toilet is plush, which is pretty baller. And there's a phonograph and a fireplace with a hearth, which adds a sort of 'Old World'-y traditional feel to the hypothetical poops you'd be having. On the downside: no door, so you've got no privacy from any aliens that live on that icy planetoid the bathroom is orbiting, depending on how advanced their telescope technology is. Other downside: minimal gravity, which is not really a good thing for a restroom.".
Before doing something to the CJstall when the player is in the CJvoid:
now the noun is the CJspacestall.
Instead of doing something to the CJstall when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: now the noun is the CJspacestall. Does the player mean doing something to the CJspacestall when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: it is likely.
Does the player mean doing something to the CJmixedfixtures when the CJplayerproxy is invoid: it is likely.
Instead of closing the CJspacestall: say "It doesn't have a door. I guess there's no point when you're millions of miles from anyone who could walk in on you while you're pinching off a loaf.". Instead of locking the CJspacestall with something: try closing the CJspacestall. Instead of unlocking the CJspacestall with something: try closing the CJspacestall. Instead of opening the CJspacestall: try closing the CJspacestall.
The CJspacetoilet is a thing in the CJspacestall. The printed name of the CJspacetoilet is "toilet (in space)". The CJspacetoilet is scenery. Understand "toilet" and "space toilet" and "toilet in space" and "toilet (in space)" as the CJspacetoilet. The CJspacetoilet is an enterable supporter. The description of the CJspacetoilet is "It's like the one on the other side of the magical portal inside the bowl, except the seat is plush which is pretty baller. The toilet is open and has [a list of things in the CJspacetoiletbowl] in it.".
Report entering the CJspacetoilet: say "You sit on the space toilet. Mmm, plush seat, this is nice." instead.
The CJspacetoiletbowl is a thing. The CJspacetoiletbowl is part of the CJspacetoilet. The CJspacetoiletbowl is fixed in place. The printed name of the CJspacetoiletbowl is "toilet bowl (in space)". The CJspacetoiletbowl is a container. The CJspacetoiletbowl is open. Understand "toilet bowl" and "toilet lid" and "lid" and "bowl" as the CJspacetoiletbowl.
[How to get to this magical wonderland]
The CJspacetoiletbowl has a list of things called the stuffinbowl.
Instead of CJflushing the CJtoilet:
if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl:
if the CJtoiletbowl is open:
if the player is on the CJtoilet:
say "You flush the toilet. The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther begins to circle in the bowl under your bum, making alien colors and weird shadows dance along the walls of the stall (and probably also along the bottom of your bum, but you can't see that so it's just a guess). Then the walls start spinning. Actually spinning. The meatpacking plant bathroom spinning around you starts to run like an oil painting left out in the sun too long, everything melting and flowing downwards. Downwards and inwards towards the toilet you're sitting on. Reality itself begins to swirl around you, like [unicode 230]ther in a toilet bowl...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Suddenly you're pulled backwards and downwards, by your bum, into the locus of the reality swirl...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]You are hurtling bum-first at sub-light-speed through a hyperspace wormhole of kaleidoscopic color-lines, just like that homeless
fortune-teller told you would happen one day after she read your palm (and right before she shouted at you about how chemtrails were retroactively changing the spelling of 'Campbells Soup'). What a weird coincidence. Anyway, you look over your shoulder and see that you are rapidly approaching a star-filled exit from the wormhole. Before you can react, you are ejected out into a... bathroom stall?[line break]";
wait for any key;
now the printed name of PLA2 is "Bathroom of the... Meatpacking... Plant?";
if the CJtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJspacetoiletbowl;
now the CJplayerproxy is invoid;
now the CJteleport water is in the CJspacetoiletbowl;
move the player to the CJspacetoilet;
else if the player is in the CJstall:
say "You flush the toilet. The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther begins to circle in the bowl, making alien colors and weird shadows dance along the walls. Briefly you can see a hole at the bottom of the toilet where the pipe would normally be, which appears to lead to a starry void into which [a list of things in the CJtoiletbowl] are ejected. Wild. Then the bowl refills with more luminiferous [unicode 230]ther and you can't see the hole into space anymore.[paragraph break]Dare you try it while sitting on the can?";
now the CJteleport water is nowhere;
if the CJtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJspacetoiletbowl;
now the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl;
else if the CJtoiletbowl is closed:
say "You hear the toilet flush under the closed lid. It's really loud, like a waterfall. This is a loud toilet.";
else if the CJHiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl:
if the CJtoiletbowl is open:
if the player is on the CJtoilet:
say "You flush the toilet. The Higgs bosons start to swirl around the bowl. You think. You're thinking about them being in the bowl so they might not actually be there. Stop thinking about them. Anyway everything starts to swirl and run just like that time a few minutes ago when you flushed yourself to the space bathroom.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Suddenly you're pulled backwards and downwards, by your bum, into the locus of the reality swirl...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]You are hurtling bum-first through a hyperspace wormhole of kaleidoscopic color-lines again, only this time they're sort of greenish instead of sort of blueish. The crazy homeless lady didn't mention the color when she was telling you about how you would be flying butt-first through space-time, but so far still accurate (less so her assertions that the Sasquatches controlling the World Bank would eventually reveal the truth about the Beatles. That lady had Opinions.). You look over your shoulder and see an exit from the wormhole, but this time it's sunny....[line break]";
wait for any key;
now the printed name of PLA2 is "Bathroom of the Meatpacking Plant, Lower Cambrian Era";
if the CJtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJbeachtoiletbowl;
now the CJplayerproxy is onbeach;
now the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJbeachtoiletbowl;
now the player is on the CJbeachtoilet;
else if the player is in the CJstall:
say "You flush the toilet. The Higgs bosons start to swirl around the bowl. You think. You're staring at them right now so they're not in the bowl. Stop it. Stop looking at where the Higgs bosons aren't. You manage to look away and hear the toilet flush, and then briefly the sound of a... tropical beach?";
now the CJhiggsbosons are nowhere;
if the CJtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJbeachtoiletbowl;
now the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl;
else if the Cjtoilet water is in the CJtoiletbowl:
say "You flush the toilet! The water swirls and then is replaced! Wee!![if the CJvoid is unvisited] Toilet seems to work normally. Wonder what all the fuss on that sign was about.[end if]".
The CJvoid can be CJvisited.
[How to get out of this magical wonderland]
Instead of closing the CJspacestall: say "It doesn't appear to have a door. Although since there's space in every direction I guess it doesn't matter.".
Instead of CJflushing the CJspacetoilet:
if the CJteleport water is in the CJspacetoiletbowl:
if the CJspacetoiletbowl is open:
if the player is on the CJspacetoilet:
say "You flush the toilet. The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther begins to circle in the bowl under your bum, making alien colors and weird shadows dance along the walls of the stall, just like it did back in the terrestrial bathroom. Then the walls start spinning. Then space starts spinning, the stars turning to long streaks of color like a timelapse photo of the night sky. Reality itself begins to swirl around you, like [unicode 230]ther in a toilet bowl...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Suddenly you're pulled backwards and downwards, by your bum, into the locus of the reality swirl, just like before...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]You are hurtling bum-first through a hyperspace wormhole of kaleidoscopic color-lines, just in the opposite direction this time. Damn, that homeless woman was on point. Maybe it WAS spelled 'Cambells' all along. Anyway, this return trip through the worm-hole takes a little longer, giving you some time to ponder things. Things like... hey, wait, didn't that handwritten note say these trips through the portal were powered by baby souls? That had to be code for something, right? Like, you using this toilet isn't somehow using up baby s[line break]";
wait for any key;
now the printed name of PLA2 is "Bathroom of the Meatpacking Plant";
if the CJspacetoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJspacetoiletbowl:
move N to the CJtoiletbowl;
now the CJplayerproxy is install;
move the player to the CJtoilet;
else if the player is in the CJspacestall:
say "You flush the (space) toilet. The luminiferous [unicode 230]ther begins to circle in the bowl, making alien colors and weird shadows dance along the walls. Briefly you can see a hole at the bottom of the toilet where the pipe would normally be, which appears to lead back into the meatpacking bathroom proper, into which [a list of things in the CJtoiletbowl] are ejected. Wild. Then the bowl refills with more luminiferous [unicode 230]ther and you can't see the reality-hole at the bottom of the bowl anymore.";
now the CJteleport water is nowhere;
if the CJspacetoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJspacetoiletbowl;
now the CJteleport water is in the CJspacetoiletbowl;
else if the CJtoiletbowl is closed:
say "You hear the toilet flush under the closed lid. It's really loud, like a waterfall. This is a loud toilet.".
Instead of doing something to something when the player is in the CJvoid and the noun is in PLA2:
if the noun is the CJpentagram:
continue the action;
else:
say "You can't see any such thing.".
Instead of doing something to something when the player is in the CJspacestall and the noun is in PLA2:
if the noun is the CJpentagram:
continue the action;
else:
say "You can't see any such thing.".
Instead of doing something to something when the player is on the CJspacetoilet and the noun is in PLA2:
if the noun is the CJpentagram:
continue the action;
else:
say "You can't see any such thing.".
Before listing nondescript items of PLA2:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
repeat with N running through the things held by PLA2:
if N is the CJpentagram:
do nothing;
otherwise:
now N is not marked for listing;
else if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach:
repeat with N running through the things held by PLA2:
if N is the CJpentagram:
do nothing;
otherwise:
now N is not marked for listing.
Before listing nondescript items of the CJvoid:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJvoid:
now N is not marked for listing.
[THIS NEEDS TESTING to make sure shit goes back right]
[TESTINGCOMMANDS:]
[If I can't hide the pentagram any other way:
if the location holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by PLA2:
if N is in the CJvoid:
do nothing;
if
if N is the CJholdall:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJmeat debris:
do nothing;
else if N is the CJvoid:
do nothing;
else:
move N to the CJholdall;]
Understand "toilet" as the CJspacetoilet.
Part 7.92 - The Phonograph Fixed
The CJphonograph is a thing in the CJspacestall. It is scenery. The printed name of the CJphonograph is "phonograph". The CJphonograph has a number called the Starshipreveal. The Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 0. Understand "phonograph" as the CJphonograph. Understand "old timey phonograph" as the CJphonograph.
The CJbrassbell is part of the CJphonograph. The description of the CJbrassbell is "A brass speaker-bell the size of a tuba coming out one corner of the phonograph."
Instead of doing something except examining to the CJbrassbell: say "You can't think of why you'd need to do anything with the brass bell. Also it's heavy and you have tiny baby-person arms. Seriously they're like angel hair pasta. You tried to do a bicep curl once and your elbow folded the wrong way, and you weren't even holding a weight. Seriously it's making you feel tired just looking at the brass bell and thinking of doing something with it or to it."
Understand "brass bell" as the CJbrassbell. Instead of Going2init the CJbrassbell: say "That would be perverse and kind of funny but no.". Understand "bell" as the CJbrassbell.
Instead of Going2init the CJphonograph: say "As funny as it would be to see what that did to the sound quality, no.".
Instead of exiting when the player is in the CJspacestall:
say "You think about it and decide not to leave the stall at the moment, since you can reach most of the stuff floating around from here, and you're not sure how far the air extends outside the stall.".
Instead of getting off the CJspacestall when the player is in the CJspacestall:
say "You think about it and decide not to leave the stall, given that there's at least a few feet of gravity-free airless alien space-void between the stall and just about everything else.".
Instead of taking the CJphonograph: say "The base is made of iron and two feet in diameter, and the rest of it is a brass bell the size of a tuba. It's not going anywhere.[if the CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph] There's a wax cylinder loaded on top though; you could probably take that if you wanted to.[end if]"
The description of the CJphonograph is "An old-timey phonograph, the kind where the sound comes out a brass bell. You'll have to crank it if you want it to play music, since that's how these really old phonographs work.[if the CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph][paragraph break]There's an antique wax cylinder loaded on the phonograph; the old kind from before the days where records were vinyl.[end if]".
Understand "crank [something]" as CJcranking when the location is PLA2. CJcranking is an action applying to one visible thing
Carry out CJcranking something: say "That's either not a thing you can crank, or else you don't feel like cranking it right now. Or both, could be both."
Instead of CJcranking the CJphonograph:
if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 4:
say "There will be no more cranking today. The cranking that has already happened was an awful mistake.";
else if the CJwaxcylinder is not part of the CJphonograph:
say "You crank the phonograph but no sound comes out, likely because you removed the wax cylinder record.";
else if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted:
say "You crank the phonograph but all that comes out is a series of hoots and long scratching sounds, which is probably due to the wax cylinder being partially melted.[if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is greater than 0] Frankly that's an improvement over what USED to be on that record.[end if]";
else:
if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 0:
say "You rub your hands together excitedly and lean towards the old-timey-phonograph. Who knows what this antique wax record on it holds? A rare Bach recording? A violin concerto from the turn of the century? Nikola Tesla talking mad shit about Edison and Marconi?? It could be anything! Hands trembling, you grasp the phonograph crank and give it a turn as you listen in anticipation:[paragraph break][italic type][bracket]Press any key...[close bracket]";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***The opening line of 'We Built This City' by Starship ring out from the brass bell of the phonograph.***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][paragraph break][roman type]Oh God no. It can't be. On an antique wax recording in space? How? Why? Who would do this?";
now the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 1;
else if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 1:
say "You give the phonograph another crank. You must have misheard on the first one because there's just no wa-[paragraph break][italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]*** Yet more 'We Built This City' by Jefferson Starship***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][paragraph break]Sweet lord in heaven. What evil asshole recorded over this antique wax cylinder with fucking [italic type]Starship??[roman type][line break]";
now the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 2;
else if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 2:
say "You still can't believe that you heard it right, you think to yourself as you grab the phonograph crank. There's no way somebody would go to all the trouble of lugging an antique phonograph into space and then pick THAT as the single song to listen to while using the bathr-[paragraph break][italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]Starship's lead singer forcfully asserts that they built this city (built this city!) on rock and roll[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][paragraph break][roman type]You cease cranking and step away from the clearly cursed phonograph.";
now the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 3;
else if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 3:
say "There's no reason for you to crank further. You know what deviltry is on the antique wax cylinder. Everything good and right within you is begging you not to touch the crank any more, and yet... and yet...what if there's something else on there, aside from this song? Some important hint to getting out of this situation that has you stuck in the outer reaches of the solar system, on the run from an evil boneless horse? You have to know. You begin to crank the phonograph.[paragraph break][italic type][bracket]Press any key...[close bracket][roman type]";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Except the crank jams, and a smell like burnt toast comes from inside the phonograph.[paragraph break]You sigh and feel a brief flash of gratitude. For all that you were curious what else the wax cylinder might have held, this is probably for the bes-[paragraph break]Wait. The wax cylinder is still spinning on the phonograph, even though you're not cranking anymore. It must have jammed inside somehow. And the music's still playing. That's a drumroll. But that means-[paragraph break][italic type][bracket]Press any key...[close bracket]";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break][italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***bwa-bwaaaaa! BWA! BWA!***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][paragraph break]Dear god. What have you done. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.";
now the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 4;
now the CJphonograph is CJfucked;
else if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 4:
say "There will be no more cranking today. The cranking that has already happened was an awful mistake.".
The CJphonograph can be unCjfucked or CJfucked. The CJphonograph is unCJfucked. The CJphonograph has a number called the Starshiplyric. The Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 3.
Every turn when the CJphonograph is CJfucked and the CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 0:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***Starship's 'We Built This City' rings out through the void of space.***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][paragraph break]Heaven help us all, the song's starting over.[line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 1:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***Starship continues to blast forth from the phonograph and into the cold void of space***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 2:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***Starship asks if we remember how they built this city on rock and roll, after having reminded us a half-dozen times.***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 3:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***Starship's 'We Built This City' rings out through the cold void of space.***[unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 4:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***Starship's 'We Built This City' continues to ring out through the void of space.***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 5:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***The phonograph stubbornly continues to emit Starship in defiance of the laws of God and Man both***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 6:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]**Starship's lead singer is just casually using the word 'Hoopla'**[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 7:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]***Starship's 'We Built This City' rings out through the void of space.***[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 8:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]**Starship's 'We Built This City' rings out through the void of space.**[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 9:
say "The wax cylinder makes a scratchy noise on the phonograph. Oh thank fuck, it's stopped. Wait, no, it's still going.[line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 10:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]*MAR-CON-EE PLAYS THE MAM-BA!*[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][paragraph break]God damn it.[line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 11:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]**Starship's 'We Built This City' rings out through the void of space.**[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 12:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]*The sounds of Starship having built a city on rock and roll continues to permeate every nook and cranny of the space bathroom.*[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 13:
say "[italic type][unicode 9835][unicode 9835]*Starship is really insistent on having built this city.*[unicode 9835][unicode 9835][roman type][line break]";
else:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramON:
say "The muted sounds of corporate rock music are coming from the portal in the toilet.";
if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is less than 13:
increase the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph by 1;
else if the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 13:
now the Starshiplyric of the CJphonograph is 0.
Instead of switching off the CJphonograph:
if the CJphonograph is unCJfucked:
say "It's not something you can switch on or off; if you're not cranking it then it doesn't do anything.";
else if the CJphonograph is CJfucked:
say "There's no off switch dear god there's NO OFF SWITCH[paragraph break]Although. It doesn't look like the wax cylinder is fastened to anything; you could probably just take it and make this stop.".
Understand "play [something]" as CJplaying when the location is PLA2. CJplaying is an action applying to one visible thing.
Carry out CJplaying something: say "That's not something you can play".
Instead of CJplaying the CJphonograph:
try CJcranking the CJphonograph.
Instead of CJusing the CJphonograph: try CJcranking the CJphonograph.
Instead of listening to the CJphonograph: say "It's not one of those newfangled 'made in the last 80 years' phonographs that you can just switch on and just passively listen to, oh no. You have to crank it.[if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is greater than 0] Although considering what's on the single wax cylinder recording you've seen in this place, maybe it's better not to.[end if]".
Instead of listening to the CJwaxcylinder:
say "[if the Cjphonograph is CJfucked]Maybe you should destroy it instead.[else]Maybe try making sure it's on the phonograph, and then crank the phonograph.[end if]".
The CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph. The printed name of the CJwaxcylinder is "wax cylinder".
Instead of taking the CJwaxcylinder when the CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph: say "Taken.[if the Cjphonograph is CJfucked][paragraph break]The music finally stops. Thank fucking god and every single one of his fucky angels.[line break]"; move the CJwaxcylinder to the player.
Instead of putting the CJwaxcylinder on the CJphonograph:
if the CJphonograph is unCJfucked:
say "You carefully place the wax cylinder onto the phonograph.";
now the CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph;
else if the CJphonograph is CJfucked:
say "Oh no way in hell you're putting that back on there after the nightmare you've been through.".
The CJwaxcylinder can be hemimelted. The CJwaxcylinder can be played or unplayed. The CJwaxcylinder is unplayed.
[The description of the CJwaxcylinder is "A long wax cylinder that is used to record phonograph records.[if the Cylnumber of the CJphonograph is 1]. Presumably this one has something on it, but you haven't listened to it.[else if the Cylnumber of the CJphonograph is 2] This one has a recording of Vera Lynn on it.[else if the Cylnumber of the CJphonograph is 3] This one has a recording of Vera Lynn and Elvis on it, which is wild.[else] This one has a recording of Vera Lynn, Elvis and the Beatles jamming out on it, which probably makes it a priceless one of a kind artifact.[end if][if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted] It appears to have melted, some.[end if][if the CJwaxcylinder is on the CJhearth and the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego] And it's melting down into an unrecognizable lump of wax.[end if]".]
The description of the CJwaxcylinder is "[cylinderdescription]".
To say cylinderdescription:
if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is 0:
say "This is how the VERY early phonograph records looked[if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted] after briefly baking on a warm hearth[end if]: round[if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted](and lumpy and runny on account of being half-melted)[end if] wax cylinders about foot tall. Normally with ones this old, they have classical recordings on them.";
else:
say "This is how the VERY early phonograph records looked[if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted] after briefly baking on a warm hearth[end if]: round[if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted](and lumpy and runny on account of being half-melted)[end if] wax cylinders about foot tall. Normally with ones this old, they have classical recordings on them, although someone appears to have etched a sonic abomination into this one for some reason.".
Understand "wax" and "record" and "recording" as the CJwaxcylinder. Understand "cylinder" and "wax cylinder" and "starship" as the CJwaxcylinder. Understand "antique record" and "antique wax record" and "antique wax cylinder" and "starship record" as the CJwaxcylinder.
Before doing something to a thing inside the CJvoid:
if the player is not in the CJvoid:
if the player is not in the CJspacestall:
if the player is not on the CJspacetoilet:
say "You can't see any such thing.";
stop the action.
The CJspacefireplace is a thing in the CJspacestall. Understand "fireplace" as the CJspacefireplace. The printed name of the CJspacefireplace is "cozy fireplace". The Cjspacefireplace is scenery. The CJspacefireplace is a container. Understand "cozy fireplace" as the CJspacefireplace. The description of the CJspacefireplace is "A cozy little brick fireplace with [a list of things in the CJspacefireplace] in it. It's [if the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego]lit[else]unlit[end if]. Jutting out the front is a part of the fireplace called a stone hearth, which is like a brick of stone that you would set things on to warm them up using the fireplace, without sustaining horrible and disfiguring burns to your extremities by reaching in and out of the fire. Nice feature, that.".
Some CJspacelogs are a thing inside the CJspacefireplace. The CJspacelogs can be CJenfuego or CJnotenfuego. The printed name of the CJspacelogs are "space logs". The description of the CJspacelogs is "They're logs. In space. Well technically they're in the fireplace but the fireplace is in space, so...". The CJspacelogs are fixed in place. Instead of taking the CJspacelogs, say "You would but the space logs are really heavy.[if the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego] And also on fire.[end if]". Understand "logs" and "space logs" as the CJspacelogs. Understand "log" as the CJspacelogs. Understand "space log" as the CJspacelogs.
Instead of CJburning the CJspacefireplace: try CJburning the CJspacelogs.
Instead of CJburning the CJhearth: try CJburning the CJspacelogs.
The CJhearth is part of the CJspacefireplace. The CJhearth is a supporter. The printed name is "hearth". The description is "A stone hearth jutting out from the front of the fireplace. Traditionally you'd put things that you wanted to heat up on top of the hearth here, which warms up when the fireplace is lit so that you don't have to reach in and out of the fireplace with your (relatively flammable) hands. It's an unexpected but welcome bit of old-worldy charm, here in the terrifying void of alien space. [if the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego] It's radiating heat, since the fireplace is lit.[end if]". Understand "hearth" as the CJhearth. Understand "fireplace hearth" as the CJhearth.
Instead of putting something on the CJspacefireplace:
try putting the noun on the CJhearth instead.
The CJwaxlump is a thing. The printed name is "lump of wax". Understand "wax" and "cylinder" and "wax cylinder" and "lump" as the CJwaxlump. The description is "It used to be a very expensive and rare phonograph record. Now it is a melted lump of wax[if the CJwaxlump is CJhorseshaped] that looks like a horse, sort of[else if the CJwaxlump is CJladyshaped] that looks a bit like the Venus of Willendorf except with even vaguer features[end if].[paragraph break][italic type][bracket]You can try to sculpt the lump of wax into something with '> sculpt wax lump into *something*' It may not always work depending on what you're trying to sculpt, since Naomi is a pretty shitty scultptor. Actually, her abysmal lack of sculpting talent is directly responsible in a roundabout way for her marriage to Peter, but as interesting as that story is (and it is VERY interesting), it's too long for this tooltip.[close bracket][roman type]". Understand "wax horse" as the CJwaxlump.
After taking the CJwaxlump: say "[italic type][bracket]Hey! Listen! You can try to sculpt the lump of wax into something with '> sculpt wax lump into *something*' It may not always work depending on what you're trying to sculpt, since Naomi is a pretty shitty scultptor. Actually, her abysmal lack of sculpting talent is directly responsible in a roundabout way for her marriage to Peter, but as interesting as that story is (and it is VERY interesting), it's too long for this tooltip.[close bracket][roman type]".
CJfashioning is an action applying to two things.
The CJwaxlump can be CJhorseshaped.
The CJwaxlump can be CJladyshaped.
Understand "make [the CJwaxlump] into [something]" as CJfashioning when the location is PLA2.
Understand "shape [the CJwaxlump] into [something]" as CJfashioning when the location is PLA2.
Understand "sculpt [the CJwaxlump] into [something]" as CJfashioning when the location is PLA2.
Check CJfashioning:
if the noun is not the CJwaxlump, say "You can't sculpt that into anything." instead.
Carry out CJfashioning:
if the second noun is Rowdy Tumnus:
say "You work on the wax lump for a little bit, and manage to sculpt a pretty good likeness of the boneless, lumpy gross horse that's rampaging around the bathroom. Granted you were trying to make a horse that actually looked like a horse, but it all came right in the end.";
now the printed name of the CJwaxlump is "lump of wax shaped like a horse";
now the CJwaxlump is CJhorseshaped;
else if the second noun is the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine:
say "You try to sculpt a decent portrayal of Glinda, the cover model, but it just comes out looking like an uneven goddess of Willendorf";
now the printed name of the CJwaxlump is "wax lump in the shape of an uneven primeval fertility goddess";
now the CJwaxlump is CJladyshaped;
else if the second noun is the player:
say "You try, but you just keep getting hung up on your knee sizes relative to each other, like you often do when under stress and happen to look at yourself. Resist the compulsion, Naomi!";
else:
say "You try to sculpt a decent representation of [the second noun], but you just suck too hard at sculpture to make that work.".
Instead of putting the CJfootcandle on the CJhearth when the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego:
say "You set the foot-shaped candle onto the warm hearth, but it doesn't melt. So you pick it back up again. Damn magical candles must not be made of wax or something.".
Instead of inserting the CJfootcandle into the CJspacefireplace:
say "You briefly insert the foot candle into the fireplace, except it doesn't melt so you take it back out. Weird. These candles must be made of something other than wax.".
Instead of putting the CJwaxcylinder on the CJhearth when the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego:
say "You place the wax cylinder on the hearth, and it melts into a lump of wax.[if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is greater than 0] Awesome. Space is finally safe from the twisted revenant of the band formerly known as Jefferson Starship.[end if]";
now the CJwaxcylinder is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is on the CJhearth.
Instead of inserting the CJwaxcylinder into the CJspacefireplace:
say "Good idea but maybe it's better to put it on the hearth. It'll heat up if the fireplace is warm, and you'll be able to get the wax back without burning your poor mitts."
Instead of CJburning the CJwaxcylinder: say "Good idea, but it'll take a stronger heat to do that.".
The CJshelf is scenery in the CJvoid. The printed name is "bookshelf". Understand "book shelf" as the CJshelf. The CJshelf is a supporter. Instead of inserting something into the CJshelf: try putting the noun on the CJshelf. Understand "bookshelf" as the CJshelf.
The CJBookofNames is a thing on the CJshelf. The CJBookofNames is a book. The CJBookofNames can be CJkindling. The CJBookofNames is CJkindling. The CJBookofNames can be CJenfuego. The printed name is "book of Unfortunate Baby Names[if the CJBookofNames is CJenfuego] (which is on fire)[end if]". Understand "book of names" and "name book" and "book of unfortunate names" and "baby name book" as the CJBookofNames. The description is "[italic type]The Book of Unfortunate Baby Names: Thrill to this hilarious collection of REAL BABY NAMES that REAL BAD PARENTS gave their kids![line break]All text [unicode 169] Hillbilly Bathroom Laughter Press, 1991[roman type][if the CJBookofNames is CJenfuego][paragraph break]It's on fire. Just burnin[apostrophe] up real good.[end if]". The passage of the CJBookofNames is "[if the CJBookofNames is CJenfuego]You wet your fingertips and flip through the burning book:[paragraph break][end if][italic type]John Poopnazi[line break]Flossie Candyass[line break]Elizabeth Dicksmith[line break]Poonpounder H. Washington Jones[roman type][paragraph break]Yeah okay these are pretty bad.". Understand "baby names" as the CJBookofNames.
The CJscroll is a thing on the CJshelf. The printed name is "mysterious scroll". Understand "scroll" as the CJscroll. The description of the CJscroll is "It says:[paragraph break][scrollcontents]". Instead of reading the CJscroll: try examining the CJscroll. After examining the CJscroll: now the CJscroll is CJread.
To say scrollcontents:
say "FORMULAE TRANSLOCATION[line break]To send thine enemies or thineself abroade[paragraph break][italic type]Edward, this is the one! Use this spell on the horse! - Konstantin[roman type][paragraph break]1: Lite thee a hande of glory and place it upon the pentagram to activate a portal. Use thee a hande or other extremity; a torso of glory or an ass of glory will cause thine spell to fail and possibly thine life to end[paragraph break]2: Fasion thee a mannikin, poppet or figurine of wax, resembling the being to be sent by the Translocation and placeth it on the pentagrame.[paragraph break]3:Wave a stoat or ermine to focus the majickal energies. A live stoat or ermine must be used or else the spell will fail most dysaterously. [italic type]Edward, I discovered that waving a dead one will do just fine, although you'll need to drink a Potion of Fortitude first or else your organs will end up outside your body. Yes, even the good organs. To make the potion, mix bismuth and carbonated corn syrup with a small amount of trilobyte milk. - Konstantin[roman type][paragraph break]4: Place a virgin on thine pentagram and sacrifice her most vigorously with an athame. [italic type]It says 'her' but honestly either gender will work fine as long as they're a virgin. Look for people buying Cure albums at the local record store, perhaps. - Konstantin[roman type][paragraph break]5: Shout the majick werd 'OUTERICA'. The thinge that has been representated with the wax mannikin shalle be most forcifully banishede to the other side of the thy active pentagrame.";
say "[paragraph break]At the bottom of the scroll, there's another note from Konstantin that says '[italic type]Edward, this is VERY important! You must [roman type][bracket]ketchup stain[close bracket][italic type] the [roman type][bracket]mustard[close bracket][italic type] or else [roman type][bracket]mayo[close bracket][italic type]! This is very important!! You must [roman type][bracket]more mayo[close bracket][italic type]!! [roman type]Son of a bitch, was Ed eating a fucking hamburger over this ancient magic scroll?".
Outericaing is an action applying to nothing. Understand "Outerica" as Outericaing when the location is PLA2.
Understand "say Outerica" and "shout outerica" as Outericaing when the location is PLA2.
Carry out Outericaing:
say "You shout the magic translocation word OUTERICA! ";
if the CJplayerproxy is not install:
say "But you can't see the horse. Maybe get back to the bathroom stall? The one in Vermont. Present day Vermont.";
else:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff:
say "But the pentagram isn't active. Maybe activate it first?";
else:
if the CJwaxlump is not on the CJpentagram:
say "But the wax lump isn't on the pentagram.";
else:
if the CJwaxlump is not CJhorseshaped:
say "But the wax lump isn't shaped like the horse, so the spell fizzles.";
else:
if the CJfurcoat is not CJwaved:
say "But you haven't waved a stoat yet, so the spell fails.";
else:
if the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is not CJsacrificed:
say "But you haven't sacrificed a virgin on the pentagram. Apparently the spell won't work without that one, nuts.";
else:
say " The pentagram flares. The walls of the stall explode outwards with a burst of magical force from the toilet, which begins to emit a howling nightmare hurricane wind. You're forced backwards against the wall near the grab bar. [if Rowdy Tumnus is propernamedyes]Rowdy Tumnus[else] The boneless sack of horse[end if] does not move, but its flesh pulls back and starts flapping as if it was hanging itself out a moving car window. Gross.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]The [if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl][unicode 230]ther[else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl]higgs bosons[end if] in the commode glow brightly of a sudden, and the gale wind stops howling forth from the toilet. Then it begins again, except pulling air from the room INTO the toilet.";
now Rowdy Tumnus is nostallleft;
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]The walls of the stall are wrenched from the floor by the devil wind and land on the open toilet, and then suddenly collapse into the toilet. The sink and the shower fixtures begin to make groaning noises as they pull at their wall screws. You grab the grab bar on the wall protectively as things begin to fly from the room into the toilet.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]The urinal goes first, clonging off the back of the boneless horse before tumbling into the toiletbowl. Then the sink. Then the showerhead. Loose items start to fly out of your pockets and into the raging toilet-portal: the athame, the mysterious scroll. The lighter. Aw dammit, that thing was rad.[paragraph break] ";
now the bloodstained witch-knife is nowhere;
now the CJhandwritten note is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is nowhere;
now the CJscroll is nowhere;
now the CJlighter is nowhere;
now the CJsink is nowhere;
now the CJmirror is nowhere;
now the CJurinal is nowhere;
now the CJKkeys are nowhere;
now the CJshower is nowhere;
now the CJlighter is nowhere;
now the CJElderSign is nowhere;
now the CJcandle is nowhere;
now the CJfootcandle is nowhere;
now the CJmedicine cabinet is nowhere;
now CJedjournal is nowhere;
now the CJfurcoat is nowhere;
now the CJbookofnames is nowhere;
now the CJbeachtoiletbowl is nowhere;
move the CJtoilet to PLA2;
wait for any key;
now the description of PLA2 is "There is nothing left but you and the horse, a toilet and some wreckage.[paragraph break]";
now the printed name of PLA2 is "Wrecked Bathroom of the Meatpacking Plant";
move the player to PLA2;
say "[paragraph break]You're unable to move from the grab bar, and the horse is so damned heavy that the devil-winds are merely pulling it into a teardrop shape as it slowly works its way towards you. There is murder in its rolling horse eyes and it is still making engine revving noises. 'Br-RNN-NN-NN!!'[paragraph break]And then the intensity of the wind increases. You grab on with both hands. The horse flails and then is suddenly lifted into the air sideways, its great rump landing square on the toilet. With a horrible schlorping noise, the horse's rump slides into the can. Then a bit more. The boneless horse is being pulled into the toilet... halfway in... The toilet makes a sound like a balloon deflating, and then the wind stops... And the horse is still there, half out of the commode! Its beady little eyes roll in its boneless head. 'Br-RNN-NN-NN-NN-NN!!' It starts flailing at you again with hooves the size of quart-jars![paragraph break]The stupid fat-ass boneless horse is stuck in the magic shitter, and it's still trying to kick you to death! What do you do?";
now Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet;
now Rowdy Tumnus is notbetweenyou;
now the CJstall is nowhere;
now the CJbar is in PLA2;
now the description of PLA2 is "It's just you and the horse in the bathroom now. The horse is stuck halfway into the magic toilet. Everything else in here is just ruined walls full of horse-sized holes.";
now the description of Rowdy Tumnus is "The stupid fat-ass boneless horse is stuck in the magic shitter, and it's still trying to kick you to death!".
[Every turn when the location is PLA2 and Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet:
if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2:
if a random chance of 1 in 4 succeeds:
say "The murderhorse stuck in the toilet lashes out at you with a giant hoof, but you manage to duck. You're not sure how many of those you can dodge.".]
Before going East when the location is PLA2 and Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet:
if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2:
say "You can't get past the flailing hooves!" instead.
Instead of entering the CJtoilet when Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet: say "You can't! The stupid fat-ass boneless horse that's trying to kill you is stuck in the bowl!".
Before Going2init the CJtoilet when Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet:
say "You can't! The stupid fat-ass horse that's trying to kill you is stuck in the bowl!".
Before CJflushing the CJtoilet when Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet:
now Rowdy Tumnus is nowhere;
now the CJpentagram is nowhere;
say "You lock eyes with the horse. 'Rot in hell' you say, yanking on the [if the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet]shower knob [else]sink handle[end if] you juryrigged earlier. The toilet flushes. The evil boneless horse begins to blare and scream exactly like a car alarm: 'wee-OO we-OO we-OO!! Bwaaaaaaaa!' And then, with a sound like God farting, the monster is pulled down and down into the toilet. And is gone. The blaring car alarm grows distant and then is silent.[paragraph break]The wind stops. The toilet ejects a small amount of space detritus, then turns itself inside out and is gone. The pentagram glow fades.";
now the warm knob is nowhere;
now the CJtap is nowhere;
now the CJtoilet is nowhere;
now Rowdy Tumnus is nowhere;
if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl:
now Rowdy Tumnus is inspacenow;
else:
now Rowdy Tumnus is inpastnow;
now Rowdy Tumnus is alreadygone;
the journal pops out in zero turns from now;
now the description of PLA2 is "This is a perfectly normal bathroom. There is a metal grab bar on the wall where the stall used to be. There is bare floor where the toilet used to be. There are empty spaces on the wall where the fixtures like the sink used to be. There is a horse-shaped hole in one wall.[paragraph break]Perfectly. Normal. Bathroom.";
stop the action.
At the time when the journal pops out:
if the CJvoid holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJvoid:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJstall holds something:
repeat with N running through things held by the CJstall:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoiletbowl:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJspacetoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJspacetoiletbowl:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJbeachtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJbeachtoiletbowl:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJtoilet holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJtoilet:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJspacestall holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJspacestall:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJspacefireplace holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJspacefireplace:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJhearth holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJhearth:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJsandbathroom holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJsandbathroom:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJshelf holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJshelf:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJpentagram holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJpentagram:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJmedicine cabinet holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJmedicine cabinet:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJshelf holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJshelf:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJbeachtable holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJbeachtable:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJbeachtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJbeachtoiletbowl:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJbeachtoilet holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJbeachtoilet:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the CJspacefireplace holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJspacefireplace:
if N is scenery:
do nothing;
else if N is fixed in place:
do nothing;
else:
move N to PLA2;
if the Cjournal is not carried by the player:
move the Cjournal to PLA2;
now the Cjournal is CJunlocked.
The CJplayerproxy can be CJended.
Before entering the CJstall when the player is in the CJvoid: now the noun is the CJspacestall.
[You took a palentology class once, you know your trilobites.] [mountain dew understand as]
Before going East when the location is PLA2 and Rowdy Tumnus is alreadygone:
if the CJplayerproxy is not CJended:
say "You head on out of the meatpacking plant bathroom. What a fuckin[apostrophe] day...[paragraph break][italic type][bracket]Hit any key:[roman type]";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break][italic type]Meanwhile... somewhere else:[paragraph break][roman type]";
wait for any key;
if Rowdy Tumnus is inspacenow:
say "[paragraph break]The little fungus man astronomer looked over his instruments. He and the other scienctists had been watching the comings and goings on the strange satellite above his home planetoid for years, hoping to make contact with the beings that came through the portal[paragraph break]Such strange lifeforms. They died so rapidly that the fungus people had never been able to get a probe up to the satellite in time. And they could never determine what any of the strange technology of these bizarre humanoids was for, despite the best efforts of their science corps.[paragraph break]This time, a visitor had managed to survive the icy void of space, but the fungus people had not managed to make contact in time before it disappeared back through the portal.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]But now something else was coming through the portal, a life form that the astronomer had never seen before! It had been ejected with such force that it had broken orbit and was hurtling towards the planetoid. It was close enough now that the Science Coprs had managed to collect some data:[paragraph break]Mamalian like the others. Four limbs with bilateral symmetry, a body and a head, also like the others. Except this one appeared strangely... noodly, compared to the others. And much larger. And making much stranger noises, as far as their listening devices could tell.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]The little fungus man astronomer smiled and watched the creature hurtle towards the giant rescue net his people were hastily constructing over the icy sea of the planetoid's surface. Perhaps now, at last, the gentle fungus people of Yuggoth would make first contact with a species that they could share their peaceful technology and culture with. Finally. The Day of Happy Cultural Exchange had finally come.";
wait for any key;
now the CJplayerproxy is CJended;
continue the action;
else if Rowdy Tumnus is inpastnow:
say "[paragraph break]'Mother of Jehosephat' spat Texas 'Tex' Arnoldson, world-famous paleoarchaeologist, looking the new specimen up and down. 'What in the name of all that's holy am I lookin[apostrophe] at?'[paragraph break]'We don't know yet' said Su-Lin 'Sue' Mai, multiple-Nobel-Prize winner and head of the Center For Pleistocene Studies at the University of Arkansas.'We're not even sure that it's from the Pleistocene. Based on nearby samples, this thing dates much further back.' She paused, and ate a chip. 'We're not even sure why it's in ice. These chips are amazing, do you want one?' She offered the bag of chips to Tex, but he declined.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]'I saw them there dates' said Tex. 'It's impossible, Sue. Gondwanaland had an ice age, sure, but it's... mamalian.' He waved at the block of ice in front of the two of them. 'I mean it's a horse. A boneless horse. But there tweren't nothing but trilobites and sea scorpions and tardigrades then. It's got to be a mistake.'[paragraph break]Sue opened her mouth to say something, then closed it. Her lips pursed for a moment, like she was looking for just the right words. Then she said 'Are you sure you don't want one? There's like two left and they're sooooo good.'[paragraph break]Tex pushed the bag away again and sighed. 'Goldarnit and tarnation, Sue. Let's go look at the data again. Tain't no way this thing is from the Cambrian.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]'Okay' said Sue 'And then let's go watch the Razorbacks bring the pain on the Panthers.'[paragraph break]Tex shook his head 'Goldarnit Sue, there is no way that the [apostrophe]backs can beat Illinois this year. Their quarterback is just too goldurn good.'[paragraph break]'If you say so' said Sue, who produced another bag of chips from her lab coat. The two scientists wandering off, arguing and crunching.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]In the specimen room, a bead of moisture formed on the block of ice, and ran down the side into a tiny puddle that was already forming.";
now the CJplayerproxy is CJended;
continue the action.
[The Translocation Spell:
A lit hand of glory on the pentagram (done)
mannikin fashioned (wax cylinder on the hearth -> light hearth with kindling -> take wax lump ->squeeze lump into a horse)
Drink the trilobyte milk
Wave a stoat (get ermine coat -> wave coat)
Sacrifice a virgin with the athame on pentagram -> (Attack or cut or use athame on juggs magazine)
Shout [target] OUTERICA [place]
Note: Edward, this is the Translocation spell to banish the horse from the bathroom. Make sure you follow the directions as exactly as possible.
Light the hand of glory and place on pentagram
Make a wax figure in the creature's image and place it on the pentagram
Wave a live stoat [To concentrate magical energies. Has to be a stoat, don't know why. Using a dead one is a very bad idea. -K]
Place a virgin on pentagram
Sacrifice the virgin on pentagram using athame
Say the magical phrase "OUTERICA" along with the name of the being to translocate, and the truename of the place to send
Light hand
put hand on pentagram
sculpt effigy of horse
put effigy on pentagram
drink Potion
wave fur coat
OR
point wand at fur coat
wave fur coat
put juggs on pentagram
attack juggs with athame
(or use athame on juggs)
(or sacrifice juggs with athame)
(or stab juggs with athame)
Magical phrase:
Tumnus (or horse) OUTERICA Yuggoth
OR Tumnus (or horse) OUTERICA Gondawana
OUTERICing is an action applying to nothing. Understand "Outerica [a thing]" as Outericaing when the location is PLA2.
Check Outericaing when the pentagram is pentagramoff: say "You shout the spell, but the pentagram is not lit, and nothing happens."
Carry out Outericaing:
say "You shout the magic translocation word OUTERICA! ";
if the CJplayerproxy is not install:
say "But you can't see the horse. Maybe get back to the bathroom stall? The one in Vermont. Present Vermont.";
else:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff:
say "But the pentagram isn't active. Maybe activate it first?"
else:
if the CJwaxlump is not on the CJpentagram:
say "But the wax lump isn't on the pentagram."
else:
if the CJwaxlump is not CJhorseshaped:
say "But the wax lump isn't shaped like the horse, so the spell fizzles.";
else:
if the CJfurcoat is not CJwaved:
say "But you haven't waved a stoat yet, so the spell fails.";
else:
if the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is not CJsacrificed:
say "But you haven't sacrificed a virgin on the pentagram. Apparently the spell won't work without that one, nuts.";
else:
say "[line break]The pentagram flares. The walls of the stall explode outwards with a burst of magical force from the toilet, which begins to emit a howling nightmare hurricane wind. You're forced backwards against the wall near the grab bar. [if Rowdy Tumnus is propernamedyes]Rowdy Tumnus[else] the bonesless horse[end if] does not move, but its flesh pulls back and starts flapping as if it was hanging itself out a moving car window. Gross.";
wait for any key;
say "The [if the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl][unicode 230]ther[else if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl]higgs bosons[end if] in the commode glow brightly of a sudden, and the gale wind stops howling forth from the toilet. Then it begins again, except heading from the room INTO the toilet.";
wait for any key;
say "The walls of the stall are wrenched from the floor by the devil wind and land on the open toilet, and then suddenly collapse into the toilet. The sink and the shower fixtures begin to make groaning noises as they pull at their wall screws. You grab the grab bar on the wall protectively as things begin to fly from the room into the toilet.";
wait for any key;
say "The urinal goes first, clonging off the back of the boneless horse before tumbling into the toilet, pulled by devil winds. Then the sink. Then the showerhead. Things start to fly out of your pockets: the athame, the mysterious scroll. The lighter. Dammit, that thing was rad. ";
now the bloodstained witch-knife is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is nowhere;
now the CJscroll is nowhere;
now the CJlighter is nowhere;
now the CJsink is nowhere;
now the CJmirror is nowhere;
now the CJurinal is nowhere;
now the CJshower is nowhere;
now the CJlighter is nowhere;
now the CJElderSign is nowhere;
now the CJcandle is nowhere;
now the CJfootcandle is nowhere;
now the CJmedicinecabinet is nowhere;
now the CJfurcoat is nowhere;
wait for any key;
say "It's just you and the horse now. You're unable to move from the grab bar, and the horse is so damned heavy that the devil-winds are merely pulling it into a teardrop shape as it slowly works its way towards you. There is still murder in its beady little horse eyes and it is still making engine revving noises. 'Br-RNN-NN-NN!!'[paragraph break]And then the intensity of the wind increases. You grab on with both hands. The horse flails and then jacknifes into the air in an arc like a diver, its great rump landing square on the toilet and being pulled in. Halfway in. The wind stops. The fucking horse is stuck in the toilet, halfway through. It looks down at you with malice. What do you do?";
now Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet;
silently move the player to PLA2;
now the CJstall is nowhere;
now the description of PLA2 is "It's just you and the horse in the bathroom now. The horse is stuck halfway into the magic toilet. Everything else in here is a ruin.".
Rowdy Tumnus can be StuckinToilet.
Every turn that the location is PLA2 and Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet:
Before CJflushing the CJtoilet when Rowdy Tumnus is StuckinToilet:
say "You lock eyes with the horse. 'Rot in hell', you say, pulling on the [if the warm knob is part of the CJtoilet]shower knob [else]sink handle[end if] on the toilet. The toilet flushes. Rowdy Tumnus the boneless horse begins to blare and scream exactly like a car alarm, and it is pulled down and down into the toilet with a very wet and sloppy 'POP!'. The blaring car alarm grows distant and then is silent. Then the toilet ejects a small amount of space detritus, then turns itself inside out and is gone. The pentagram glow fades.";
if the CJournal is not in PLA:
if the CJournal is not carried by the player:
move the Cjournal to PLA2;
now the description of PLA2 is "This is a perfectly normal bathroom. There is a horse-shaped hole in one wall.";
try looking.
]
[TESTCOMMAND]
[CJvoiding is an action applying to nothing. Understand "tovoid" as CJvoiding.
Carry out CJvoiding:
now the CJplayerproxy is invoid;
move the player to the CJvoid.
CJoutvoiding is an action applying to nothing. Understand "backtostall" as CJoutvoiding.
Carry out CJoutvoiding:
now the CJplayerproxy is install;
move the player to the CJstall.]
Instead of doing something to the CJvoid when the location is PLA2 and the player is not in the CJvoid: say "You can't see any such thing." instead.
Part 1.27 Yo dawg I heard you liked bathrooms
Instead of going north when the CJplayerproxy is onbeach and the location is PLA2:
say "Fuck no, that moss forest is probably crawling with moss-dwelling tardigrades. Just chock full of [apostrophe]em. Have you ever *seen* a tardigrade? Go google it, I'll wait.";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Yeah I didn't think so.".
Instead of going south when the CJplayerproxy is onbeach and the location is PLA2: say "You sort of siddle over to the trilobite-filled steaming ocean. Then something that looks like a mantis shrimp the size of a bull moose briefly breaches the water and shrieks at you. So you nope on back to the toilet region, just like this: Nope nope nope. The Cambrian Epoch sure does suck.".
[Moss forest on one side, terrifying ocean on the other]
[triolbytes are a thing, here, but so is the water scorpion]
The CJhiggsbosons are a thing. The printed name is "mass of Higgs boson particles". Understand "higgs" and "higgs boson" and "mass of Higgs boson particles" and "higgs-boson particles" and "particles" and "higgs bosons" and "higgs-bosons" as the CJhiggsbosons. The description is "You can't see any such thing. No, really, I'm not being glib. When you try to look at them, they're not there. But when you don't, they are. Look, just trust me that the toilet is full of them okay? Or rather, don't look.". The CJhiggsbosons are fixed in place.
The CJbeachcontainer is a transparent container in PLA2. Instead of doing something to the CJbeachcontainer: say "You can't see any such thing". The CJbeachcontainer is scenery. The printed name is "Lower Cambrian Epoch".
The CJsandbathroom is an enterable supporter in the CJbeachcontainer. The printed name is "beach". The CJsandbathroom is scenery. Instead of doing something other than examining to the CJsandbathroom: say "You can't see any such thing."
To say insandbathroom:
say "Well... you're on a beach. A beach with a toilet on it. I guess that makes it a bathroom, right? Can't be anything but a bathroom if it has a toilet in it; plop a toilet down in any other room and it's a bathroom no matter what it was previously. So it's settled then, this beach is a bathroom. Anyway, next to the toilet is a little table with [a list of things on the CJbeachtable]. To the north there's a weird moss forest and to the south there's an ocean.[paragraph break]And before you ask, the reason you know this is the lower Cambrian is because of the millions of trilobite and trilobite-adjacent species that are hanging out on the beach and in the water here, including one that is nuzzling your foot (shoo! shoo!). Just a metric pantload of trilobites all over everything. At least... At least this is normal for the Lower Cambrian. Perfectly normal Lower Cambrian bathroom."
The mossforestocean is scenery on the CJsandbathroom. The printed name is "moss forest by the ocean". The description is "There's a moss forest, which is kind of like a forest except there's no trees in proto-Vermont here. Just a huge growth of moss. There's also an ocean here, which is steaming and filled with ancient and terrifying shellfish.". Understand "forest" and "moss forest" and "moss" and "moss-forest" and "ocean" and "steaming ocean" as the mossforestocean. Instead of doing something except examining to the mossforestocean: say "It's too far away."
The CJbeachtoilet is an enterable supporter on the CJsandbathroom. The printed name is "toilet (on a beach)". Understand "toilet" and "beach toilet" as the CJbeachtoilet. The description is "Now that you think about it, you're not sure that this isn't the same toilet as the ones in those other parts of space and time. You're not even sure how likely or unlikely that is, at this point.".
Instead of Going2init something when the CJplayerproxy is onbeach: say "You can't, the trilobites are watching.".
The CJbeachtoiletbowl is a container. The CJbeachtoiletbowl is part of the CJbeachtoilet. The CJbeachtoiletbowl is open. The printed name is "toilet bowl (of the toilet on the beach)". Understand "toilet bowl" and "bowl" and "lid" as the CJbeachtoiletbowl. The CJtoiletbowl is fixed in place.
The CJbeachtable is a supporter on the CJsandbathroom. The CJbeachtable is scenery. The printed name is "small table". The description is "It's a small table chilling on the beach." Understand "table" as the CJbeachtable.
The CJedjournal is a book on the CJbeachtable. The printed name is "Ed's Journal (you know it's Ed's journal because it says 'Ed's Journal' on the front)[if the CJedjournal is CJenfuego](it's on fire)[end if]". The passage of CJedjournal is "It's not really a journal so much as a small note pad, and it's only got one entry. But Ed called it a journal, so:[paragraph break][italic type]Yeah so Konstantin told me to get the horse out of the bathroom but the horse is scary and that Translocation spell is hard. So yeah I think I'm just gonna chill on this weird beach I opened a portal to. It has these weird crabs but that's probably okay. I'm gonna go back to the Yuggoth bathroom to get Konstantin's journal though. He told me not to read it but I'm sure there's some juicy magic in there. I just gotta be careful with the toilet: came out of the can too fast last time, nearly shot right out into space! That was close! But I should be okay this time. Wish I could bring Konstantin's car-familiar with me to the beach, that thing is sweeeeeet.[line break]Sincerely,[line break]Edw[roman type][bracket]mustard stain[close bracket][paragraph break]Oh, Ed.". The CJedjournal can be CJkindling. The CJedjournal is CJkindling. The CJedjournal can be CJenfuego. Understand "journal" and "ed's journal" and "edward journal" and "ed journal" and "edward's journal" as the CJedjournal. The CJedjournal is proper-named.
The CJKkeys are a thing on the CJbeachtable. The printed name is "Konstantin's keys". Understand "konstantins keys" and "konstantin keys" and "konstaintin's keys" as the CJkkeys. The description is "You know that they're Konstantin's because 'Mein Keys' is written on the tag.". Understand "keys" and "key" as the CJKkeys. Understand "Journal keys" as the CJkkeys. The CJKkeys are proper-named.
The CJcanofdew is a thing on the CJbeachtable. The printed name is "half-full can of Dew". Understand "can" and "can of dew" and "half full can of mountain dew" and "half full can" and "can of dew" and "dew" and "can of mountain dew" as the CJcanofdew. The description is "It's half-full can of Mountain Dew[if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled] that has some trilobite milk in it. Gross?[else if the CJcanofdew is CJpeptoed]that has some pepto bismol in it. Probably rappers have a name for this when alcohol is involved as well.[else].[end if] Presumably Ed was drinking it, before space killed him several million years and miles from now and here respectively." Understand "mountain dew" as the CJcanofdew.
Instead of drinking the CJcanofdew: say "You do some Dew. Augh, it's warm.[if the CJcanofdew is CJpeptoed] And chalky.[else if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled] And milky.[end if]".
Rule for deciding the concealed possessions of the CJsandbathroom:
if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach:
no;
otherwise:
yes.
Instead of CJflushing the CJbeachtoilet:
if the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJbeachtoiletbowl:
if the CJbeachtoiletbowl is open:
if the player is on the CJbeachtoilet:
say "You flush the toilet. The Higgs bosons start to swirl around the bowl. You think. You're thinking about them being in the bowl so they might not actually be there. Stop thinking about them. Anyway everything starts to swirl and run just like that time a few minutes ago when you flushed yourself to the Cambrian era, and a few minutes before that when you flushed yourself back to Vermont from space...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]Suddenly you're pulled backwards and downwards, by your bum, into the locus of the reality swirl, just like all the times before...";
wait for any key;
say "[paragraph break]You are hurtling bum-first through a hyperspace (I guess hyper-TIME?) wormhole of kaleidoscopic color-lines, backwards in time from the Cambrian. Wait, if you're moving backwards through a wormhole to the past that would mean you're actually moving [italic type]forward[roman type] in spacetime becau[line break]";
wait for any key;
now the printed name of PLA2 is "Bathroom of the Meatpacking Plant";
if the CJbeachtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJbeachtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJtoiletbowl;
now the CJplayerproxy is install;
move the player to the CJtoilet;
else if the player is on the CJsandbathroom:
say "You flush the beach toilet. The Higgs bosons start to swirl around the bowl. You think. You're staring at them right now so they're not in the bowl. Stop it. Stop looking at where the Higgs bosons aren't. You manage to look away at the weird ocean and the mossy forest and hear the toilet flush.";
now the CJhiggsbosons are nowhere;
if the CJbeachtoiletbowl holds something:
repeat with N running through the things held by the CJbeachtoiletbowl:
move N to the CJtoiletbowl;
now the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJbeachtoiletbowl.
Does the player mean unlocking the CJournal with the CJKkeys:
if the player carries the Cjournal:
if the player carries the CJKkeys:
if the location is PLA2:
it is likely.
The trilobite is a thing on the CJsandbathroom. The trilobite is scenery. Understand "trilobites" and "trilobite herd" and "skippy" as the trilobite. The description is "There's a huge giant herd of trilobites on the beach here, which is fairly normal for the Cambrian but weird for you personally. One of them is nuzzling your foot'.". Understand "trilobite that is nuzzling my foot" and "trilobite nuzzling my foot" as the trilobite.
CJmilking it into is an action applying to two things. Understand "milk [the trilobite] into [something]" as CJmilking it into. Understand "milk[the trilobite] with [something]" and "milk [the trilobite] in [something]" as CJmilking it into.
Check CJmilking it into when the noun is not the trilobite: say "You can't milk that. Or won't. Either way, you're not milking it today.".
The CJcanofdew can be CJmilkfilled. The CJcanofdew can be CJpeptoed
[say "You pour the pepto out, into the can of Dew. This one's for the homies. The homies with diarrhea.[if CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled] Then you swish the concoction around for a moment, and it begins to glow! And smell. It smells real bad. If someone told you this was a Potion of Glowing and Smelling, and not Fortitude like the scroll said, you would not fight them.";
if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled:
now the CJcanofdew is nowhere;
move the CJpotion to the player;
else:
say "You pour a little of the pepto out for the homies. The homies with diarrhea.";
else if the noun is the Canofdew:
say "Hmm. Maybe try to find the bismuth and put it in here instead?[if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled";
else:
say "That's not really pourable into that.".]]
Before CJmilking the trilobite into the CJcanofdew:
if the CJcanofdew is not carried by the player:
try silently taking the CJcanofdew.
Carry out CJmilking it into:
if the second noun is the CJcanofdew:
say "You kneel down towards the trilobite that keeps nuzzling your foot. As you're searching for teats on an ancient non-mamalian proto-crab that is extinct in your space-time so that you can milk it into a Mountain Dew can that belongs to a dead wizard's apprentice floating in space in the future, you think back to your marriage ceremony to Peter. You think about the kind of life you expected to have together. And you think about how things have been since you arrived in Vermont. And you think about that for a few minutes, as you gently milk the trilobite into the soda can.";
now the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled;
if the CJcanofdew is CJpeptoed:
say "[line break]Then you swish the concoction around for a moment, and it begins to glow! And smell. It smells real bad. If someone told you this was a Potion of Glowing and Smelling, and not Fortitude like the scroll said, you would not fight them.";
if the CJcanofdew is CJmilkfilled:
now the CJcanofdew is nowhere;
move the CJpotion to the player;
else:
say "You need something more effective at holding trilobite milk to do that. Maybe try Ed's half-drunk Dew-can? It was almost empty.".
Instead of inserting the CJpepto into the CJcanofdew: try CJpouring the CJpepto into the CJcanofdew.
Instead of inserting the CJcanofdew into the CJpepto: say "Maybe try it the other way around, since the Mountain Dew is almost half empty.".
Understand "milk trilobite" as a mistake("Try milking the trilobite into something. Maybe something else you need for the potion").
Instead of putting something on the CJpentagram when the CJplayerproxy is onbeach:
say "Nah that might screw up the pentagram or the toilet portal and leave you stranded in the Cambrian with the giant sea crabs and the tardigrades. No thanks.".
Instead of doing something to something when the player is on the CJsandbathroom and the noun is in PLA2:
if the noun is the CJpentagram:
continue the action;
else:
say "You can't see any such thing.".
Instead of doing something to something when the player is on the CJbeachtoilet and the noun is in PLA2:
if the noun is not the CJpentagram:
say "You can't see any such thing.";
else:
continue the action.
[The CJvoid is a container in PLA2. The CJvoid is scenery. The printed name is "terrifying void full of alien stars (aka 'space')". Understand "void" and "space" and "stars" and "alien stars" and "void full of stars" and "void full of alien stars" as the CJvoid. The CJvoid is transparent.]
[TEST COMMAND]
[ToOceaning is an action applying to nothing. Understand "tobeach" as ToOceaning.
Carry out ToOceaning:
now the CJplayerproxy is onbeach;
now the player is on the CJbeachtoilet.]
Part 1.3 - Set Shit On Fire
CJBurning is an action applying to one thing. Understand "burn [a thing]" as CJBurning when the location is PLA2. Understand "light [a thing]" as CJburning when the location is PLA2. [Understand "set [a thing] on fire" as CJburning when the location is PLA2.]
CJburninging it with is an action applying to two visible things. Understand "burn [a thing] with [a thing]" as CJburninging it with when the location is PLA2. Understand "light [a thing] with [a thing]" as CJburninging it with when the location is PLA2.
Instead of CJburninging something with something when the location is PLA2:
try CJburning the noun.
Instead of CJburning the player: say "Things aren't [italic type]that[roman type] desperate."
Before CJburning something when the location is PLA2:
if the player does not carry the CJlighter, say "This dangerous act would achieve little (maybe), but more importantly you need to use the right thing to do it with." instead.
Carry out CJburning something: say "You hold [the CJlighter] up to [the noun] and flick the little metal wheel, but it won't light at the moment. These gas station lighters are unreliable pieces of crap.".
Before CJburning something when the noun is not carried by the player:
if the noun is not scenery:
if the noun is not the CJcandle:
if the noun is not the CJfootcandle:
if the noun is not fixed in place:
if the noun is not CJkindling:
try taking the noun.
Instead of CJburning something that is CJkindling:
if the noun is not in the CJspacefireplace:
say "You hold [the CJlighter] up to [the noun] and flick the little metal wheel. Success! [The noun] is on fire.";
now the noun is CJenfuego;
else:
if the CJspacelogs are not CJenfuego:
say "You flick [the CJlighter] against [the noun]. After a moment, [the noun] catches fire and then so do the space logs, which flare up into a glorious flame! The hearth begins to warm up as well. Hopefully this isn't consuming all the oxygen in this space bathroom...";
now the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego;
now the noun is in the CJspacefireplace;
if the CJwaxcylinder is on the CJhearth:
say "[paragraph break]The wax cylinder on the hearth rapidly melts into a lump of wax.[if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is greater than 0] Awesome. Space is finally safe from the twisted revenant of the band formerly known as Jefferson Starship.[end if]";
now the CJwaxcylinder is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is on the CJhearth;
else:
say "You light [the noun] on fire! More kindling for the fire in space where there is limited oxygen! Huzzah!";
now the noun is CJenfuego.
The CJcandle can be CJnotenfuego or CJenfuego. The CJcandle is CJnotenfuego.
Instead of CJBurning the CJcandle:
if the CJcandle is CJnotenfuego:
say "[if the CJcandle is on the Cjpentagram]If you say so, but this seems like you're just compounding an earlier bad decision.[paragraph break][end if]You flick the lighter a few times over the hand shaped candle. It takes a couple tries but you manage to get a finger to light, finally. One of the candle's fingers I mean, not your fingers, although it was touch and go there for a second. Anyway the lights in the bathroom flicker momentarily and for a brief moment you hear the sound of frenzied cackling from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Fresh lavender scent though, mmmm.";
now the printed name of the CJcandle is "candle shaped like a hand (of which a finger is on fire)";
now the CJcandle is CJenfuego;
if the CJcandle is on the CJpentagram:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff:
say "[line break]Then the pentagram suddenly blazes alight with ghostly blue flame! And also something starts glowing in the toilet bowl, in the stall. Weird.";
now the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon;
now the CJtoilet water is nowhere;
now the CJteleport water is in the CJtoiletbowl;
else:
say "It's already on fire.".
The CJfootcandle can be CJnotenfuego or CJenfuego. The CJfootcandle is CJnotenfuego.
Instead of CJburning the CJfootcandle:
if the CJfootcandle is CJnotenfuego:
say "[if the CJfootcandle is on the Cjpentagram]You stop for a moment to consider and then shrug. You've already been to space today and there's a boneless insane murderhorse outside the stall, so like, what's the worst that could happen?[end if]You flick [the CJlighter] a few times over the foot shaped candle. It takes a couple tries but you manage to get a toe to light, finally. One of the candle's toes I mean, not your toes, just like when it was the hand candle and arrrgh you know what I mean. The stupid foot candle is lit. Anyway, the lights in the bathroom flicker again, but the cackling sounds more like guffaws this time, and it turns out the foot candle is beach scented instead of lavender.";
now the printed name of the CJfootcandle is "candle shaped like a foot (of which a toe is on fire)";
now the CJfootcandle is CJenfuego;
if the CJfootcandle is on the CJpentagram:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramoff:
say "[line break]Then the pentagram suddenly blazes alight with ghostly flame! Just like with the other candle, except now the flame is green! Also, the toilet is now filled with a mass of Higgs boson particles instead of water. At least you're pretty sure they're Higgs boson particles, it's hard to look at them because it makes them be somewhere else momentarily. Damn this bathroom is weird.";
now the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon;
now the CJtoilet water is nowhere;
now the CJhiggsbosons are in the CJtoiletbowl;
else:
say "The foot candle is already on fire.".
Instead of CJburning the CJspacefireplace: try CJburning the CJspacelogs.
Instead of CJburning the CJspacelogs:
if the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego:
say "They're already on fire.";
else:
say "You try lighting the space logs with [the CJlighter] for a while but this tiny little lighter flame won't get these big ol[apostrophe] logs a-burnin[apostrophe]. You need to light a larger amount of kindling and toss it in there.".
Check inserting something into the CJspacefireplace:
if the CJspacelogs are not CJenfuego:
if the noun is CJkindling:
if the noun is CJenfuego:
say "You put [the noun] into the fireplace. After a moment, the space logs catch and flare up into a glorious flame! The hearth begins to warm up as well. Hopefully this isn't consuming all the oxygen in this space bathroom...";
now the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego;
now the noun is in the CJspacefireplace;
if the CJwaxcylinder is on the CJhearth:
say "[paragraph break]The wax cylinder rapidly melts into a lump of wax.[if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is greater than 0] Awesome. Space is finally safe from the twisted revenant of the band formerly known as Jefferson Starship.[end if]";
now the CJwaxcylinder is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is on the CJhearth;
stop the action.
Check CJburning something when the noun is in the CJspacefireplace:
if the CJspacelogs are not CJenfuego:
if the noun is CJkindling:
if the noun is not CJenfuego:
say "You put [the noun] into the fireplace. After a moment, the space logs catch and flare up into a glorious flame! The hearth begins to warm up as well.[paragraph break]Wait, hmm, is this sucking up the oxygen in the air envelop around this space bathroom? Argh.";
now the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego;
if the CJwaxcylinder is on the CJhearth:
say "[paragraph break]The wax cylinder melts into a lump of wax. [if the Starshipreveal of the CJphonograph is greater than 0] Awesome. Space is finally safe from the twisted revenant of the band formerly known as Jefferson Starship.[end if]";
now the CJwaxcylinder is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is on the CJhearth;
stop the action.
[At the time when the wax lump matures:
if the CJwaxcylinder is on the CJhearth:
say "The wax cylinder finishes melting into a lump of wax.";
now the CJwaxcylinder is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is on the CJhearth.]
[Instead of putting the CJwaxcylinder on the CJhearth when the CJspacelogs are CJenfuego:
if the CJwaxcylinder is not hemimelted:
now the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted;
say "You put [the CJwaxcylinder] on the CJhearth. It begins to melt. [if the Cylnumber of the CJphonograph is > 3]Oh god that's depressing.[end if]";
the wax lump matures in one turn from now;
else if the CJwaxcylinder is hemimelted:
say "The wax cylinder [if the Cylnumber of the CJphonograph is > 3]that used to hold a priceless recording of the Beatles and Elvis and Vera Lynn jamming together[end if] finishes melting into a lump of wax."
now the CJwaxcylinder is nowhere;
now the CJwaxlump is on the CJhearth.]
Instead of CJburning the CJournal: say "You try to light [the CJournal] with [the CJlighter] but it squirms and fidgets in your hands like a small animal, escaping the tiny flame. Damnable wizard journals.".
Part 1.5 - Dat Journal Dough
The CJournal is a book. The Cjournal is on the CJshelf. The printed name of the Cjournal is "small blue journal (which you know is a journal because it says '[italic type]Mein Journal[roman type]' on the front)". Understand "small blue book" and "blue book" and "blue journal" and "small journal" and "folio" as the Cjournal. Understand "journal" as the Cjournal. Understand "mein journal" as the CJournal. The description of the CJournal is "It says 'Mein Journal' on the front, and it appears to be a collection of folios bound in very soft blue leather. [if the CJournal is CJunlocked]The interior is in bad shape; a bunch of the pages are too weathered to read, or the handwriting is so bad that it might as well be inkstains. But some still have legible text in a mixture of Latin, Old German and Middle English. (Ha, and your advisor said that double-majoring in Dead European Languages would land you at McDonalds! Which, okay, it did for a while but now you're living the high life solving Bathroom Mysteries in Space.)[else] It appears be locked, and has a little keyhole on it.[end if]" .
The Cjournal can be CJunlocked.
Instead of unlocking the CJournal with something:
if the Cjournal is not Cjunlocked:
if the second noun is the CJKkeys:
say "You unlock the journal.";
now the Cjournal is Cjunlocked;
else:
say "That doesn't unlock the journal.";
else:
say "It's already unlocked".
Instead of reading the Cjournal when the CJournal is not CJunlocked: say "You can't, the owner locked the stupid thing shut. It's got a little keyhole on the front though."
Understand "book" as the CJournal. Understand "journal" as the Cjournal. Understand "Konstantins journal" and "konstantin journal" and "konstantin's journal"as the Cjournal. Understand "Konstantin Cragne's Journal" and "Konstantin Cragnes Journal" as the CJournal. Understand "cragne journal" and "cragne's journal" as the CJournal.
Konstantin Teufelheim Cragne is a subject. Konstantin Teufelheim Cragne is proper-named.
Carry out reading the Cjournal for the first time:
now Konstantin Teufelheim Cragne is familiar;
now the printed name of the CJournal is "Konstantin Cragne's journal";
now the CJournal is proper-named.
The passage of the Cjournal is "You read:[line break][one of][journal1][or][journal2][or][journal3][or][journal4][or][journal5][or][journal6][or][journal7][or][journal8][or][journal9][or][journal10][or][journal11][or][journal12][or][journal13][or][journal14][or][journal15][or][journal16][or][journal17][or][journal18][or][journal19][or][journal20][or][journal21][cycling]".
To say CJra:
say "[paragraph break][italic type]The journal continues... read again to read more...[roman type]".
To say CJjf:
say "[paragraph break][italic type]Last page.. read again to start from beginning...[roman type]".
To say journal1:
say "The black death ravages Vienna. Nearly a thousand have died in the last week alone; their bodies bloating in the open-air pits surrounding the city. The citizens hide in their houses as the plague walks the city, and the streets belong to the dogs, the flies and the rats now. By day, at least. By night, murderers both human and inhuman stalk the byways, the beleagured city guard spread too thin to effectively stop every burglar and nightgaunt.[paragraph break]I am rapturous with joy. The coven practices openly now, with no fear that our Sabbath orgies will be interrupted by foolish investigators. Children can simply be lifted from the street and carried away if needed, with the handful of passerby too weak or scared to protest. On this alone I have saved so many silver reichsthalers that I would have spent on sacrifices, previously. And yesterday I openly mocked a Brother of the Holy Trinity in his own church hospital, displaying to him an upside-down cross and also my penis, telling him secret names of Great Old Ones that will burn in his ears and dreams despite his prayers. He cried and tried to throw holy water at me with palsied fingers, but I laughed and rode away on my devilhorse. Life is good![paragraph break]But I know that this joy cannot last. Just as before, the plague will pass and the city will return to normal. And Karl Denube (that dog of the Habsburgs, curse him) was getting close to discovering our identities at any rate after his raid on our botched summoning. I fear Petra's carelessness in seducing the constabulary have already given us away. So I must plan an escape before the plague abates fully, but shall enjoy every moment till then.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Vienna, August 4, 1679, Sun in the house of Cancer[CJra]".
To say journal2:
say "Damnation and hellfire! The plague isn't even passed its rounds and the guards have begun to hound our coven again. Perhaps it was the child-thefts, or perhaps I should not have shown my penis to that priest. [paragraph break]No matter. Petra should have half of the Habsburgs' guardsmen ensorcelled by now, which should buy time to move the coven operations to Innsbruck, or Liechtenstein, or Prague, or join with the Paris warlocks. Or even move to London or far-flung Amsterdam.[paragraph break]Anywhere except Bavaria, really. I hate Bavarians so.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Vienna, September 14th, 1679, Moon in Gemini[CJra]".
To say journal3:
say "We are truly in the kraut, now. Petra's overzealousness in seducing guardsmen has tipped off the Imperial witchfinders. I warned her that if she kept up we would reach critical mass of love-besotted guardsmen wandering about and pining for her suspiciously, their loins and nostrils enflamed by witch-pheremones. But she did not listen and here we are! Damn Petra, her ample bosom, AND her unquenchable thirst for male validation all three![paragraph break]The Imperials mean business this time. Denube has arrested half his own police force in the middle of a plague outbreak just because they were mildly ensorcelled with forbidden sex magicks. Clearly he worries more about us than the rioters and nightgaunts, which seems insane at first blush. Although to be fair, we ARE secretly responsible for the rioters and the nightgaunts. And the missing children. And the finger-collecting phantasms that look like men but bark like dogs. And the tentacled wreck that haunts the northern cistern. And the arrival of the plague itself. I suppose I cannot fault Denube's priorities.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T., Vienna, September 27 1679, Jupiter Ascending thru Libra[CJra]".
To say journal4:
say "Our plans to flee are complicated by the plague curfew, as well as the early snow that is coming (of which I have been informed by the souls of the damned that ride the winds eternally. They are never wrong about incoming Alpine weather, though they will lie right to your face about whether your cravat suits you, the miserable undead shits).[paragraph break]However! I have a plan. A powerful enough translocation spell could move most of the coven and their things, and the spell components are easily sourcable. Most of them. The live stoat may be difficult at this time of year with the countryside inaccessible and everyone dying of the plague, but Jens assures me that a stuffed one will suffice. No matter, even the results of a miscast spell is still better than death by torture at the hands of Witchfinders or that complete ass Karl Denube. Unless the spell turns us inside out, I suppose.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Vienna, October 9, 1679, Saturn in the House of Sagittarius[CJra]".
To say journal5:
say "The translocation spell was miscast, and half the coven was turned inside out. That was awful. The stuffed stoat didn't suffice as a spell component at all. I wanted to scream at Jens, except Jens had his ears on the inside of his head and his brains on the outside and couldn't have heard me anyway. Also I was being flung through space by hideous unknowable forces.[paragraph break]On a happier note, the miscast spell also turned several guardsmen inside out as they were coming to arrest us. After they captured Petra it was only a matter of time before she gave up the hidden orgy room in the charcuterie basement. A dozen city guardsmen and a pair of Imperial Witchfinders broke in right as Jens was waggling that stupid stuffed stoat over the pentagram, and they stood there gawking like provincial idiots at a carnival barker as he botched the incantation.[paragraph break]And then the magical wave it hit them. It was beautiful. I swear, I'll never forget the stupid look on Karl Denube's inside-out face as his lungs came shooting out of his backwards mouth and hung there against his chest like a hissing ballsack. Then he tried to flee but just ran straight into a pillar because his eyeballs were facing the wrong way! Ha! What a fool. I'd go back and shit on him, if I had any idea where I was in relation to Vienna.[paragraph break]It's meadow-y here, and warmer than normal for Austria at this time of year. I don't recognize any of the mountains. The same moon at least, so I'm not on Aldebaran or Carcosa. In any case, despite not having my grimoires or my devilhorse or my orgies, it is pleasant enough here except for the wolves that are following me.[paragraph break]I remain hopeful.[paragraph break]-Konstantin Cragne At Large, Location unknown, Date unknown[CJra]".
To say journal6:
say "I would give Jens such a beating, if he had not been dead for over a hundred years and also turned inside out. The stupid translocation spell flung me not just through space but through time! I was deposited a league outside of Bratislava, and when I arrived I was informed by the beet-obsessed peasants whom infest the dirt-hovels outside the city that it was the year-of-their-lord 1809. 1809![paragraph break]My grimoires will all have been seized and burned by long-dead men, or more likely stuffed into Habsburg vaults under the palace in care of some blind and deaf eunuch who navigates the moldy stacks of forbidden books by touch. I hate those eunuchs so. And my poor devilhorse has almost certainly dissolved into astral soup, and I have neither the gold nor the souls to create a new familiar.[paragraph break]The coven may have survived in Vienna (assuming some of them turned right-side-back-in after I left), but I wouldn't know any of them in this age. And the nearest Cragne stronghold is in Krakow, but who knows if the vaults are still intact or if the secrets were hauled off to some Ottoman shithole after the last Turkish incursion.[paragraph break]My best bet, I think, is to make my way through Brno and on through the Nuremburg road to Brussels, assuming that I can stomach the smells and sights of Bavaria for that long. I dare not try another translocation spell without a familiar or the correct components, and I don't know the word for 'stoat' in the dialect of the local beet-fondlers anyway. They've informed me that the road may be blocked by the army of some French commoner who is rampaging across the countryside, but I have never let a Frenchman stop me from doing anything and I'll be damned if I start now.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Bratislava, Spring 1809[CJra]".
To say journal7:
say "Still stuck in Bratislava, despite best efforts the past two weeks. Still squatting in the burned-out ruins of a hoisery (which is STILL better accomodations than this city's wretched hostels) as Napoleon's cannons continue to rain metal upon the city. Increasingly depressed by the lack of quality sausages as compared to my home, compounded by news from a local grocer who informed me that the Holy Empire itself is no more, after Napoleon's forces took Vienna. I admit to feeling a tiny pang of civic sadness in spite of myself. And also hunger for a decent sausage that hasn't been adulterated with ratmeat by the hairy, unwashed fingers of inferior Bratislavian sausagemongers.[paragraph break]I have come to terms with the truth that I cannot return to my own time, even if I wanted to. The only entities which could do such a thing are Y-S in his guise as the Opener of Ways, or possibly the **vi*. Unfortunately even thinking for too long about Y-S without a lead helmet can cause madness, and I spoke with the **vi* but he reminded me that I had already sold him my soul several years prior for a larger penis and a more pronounced chin. Alas, my younger self put himself too cheap to market.[paragraph break]On the brighter side, every person or instution that I owed money to or who wanted me dead is either long-gone or now French.[paragraph break]Since I do not wish to die a Frenchman myself, I have decided to Translocate away while Napoleon plays Emperor. I have managed to procure a cage of live stoats from a furrier, and can fashion the wax poppets myself. The sacrifice of a virgin is a bit harder and I may have to settle for the sacrifice of a relatively sexually inexperienced person and see what happens.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T., Bratislava, May 22 1809[CJra]".
To say journal8:
say "Tried the spell on a horse as a test. The horse ended up fused with the wall of a milk house two blocks over. I do not think the milk maid will ever stop screaming, which is loud if hilarious. The horse might not ever stop screaming either, which is loud AND hilarious. I joined them briefly, sauntering into the milk house and screaming in time with them without giving the maid any context until she fled. Will tweak the spell parameters and try again on the morrow, suspect that the problem was that the hemi-virgin I sacrificed to power the spell was far more sexually experienced than they claimed.[paragraph break]I must admit that despite the challenges and the noise, Napoleon throws an enjoyable siege. Watching people run screaming from the gunfire in the morning as I cook my coffee over the flames of a burning cottage never fails to put a smile on my face, even if I can barely get anything done in the chaos. I hope his men are in turn enjoying the excitement of the shuffling horrors that I send over the walls and into their tents every night to feed on their screams and genitals.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Bratislava, May 24 1809[CJra]".
To say journal9:
say "It took a few hops with the Translocation spell, and another century past, but I managed to escape Napoleon's repeat attempts to rub his tiny French nutsack all over the continent. In fact, I believe that I've found a home here in the Balkans, at least temporarily. It's no Vienna but this is certainly better than dodging cannonballs daily. And I am beginning to reform my coven by recruiting from the disaffected youths of the city! Despite the barrier in language and custom I get along splendly with the local occult groups as long as I don't talk about Austria too much in a positive way.[paragraph break]I've reformed my familiar in the shape of a large owl with a human ass for a head and moose-deer antlers sprouting from the left and right butt-cheeks. That may sound ribald but I can make assurances that such a thing is fucking terrifying to see swooping down on you in the dark of an alley at midnight, especially when it starts hooting out of its anus.[paragraph break]Starting to feel hopeful again about the future. Strangely grateful to briefly be in a peaceful time where I can rebuild without chaos, which isn't like me at all, but I'm just very tired of using that damned Translocation spell to run from wars.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Sarajevo, 25 June 1914[CJra]".
To say journal10:
say "There is no damned way that they make this shitty little asshead the chancellor. No way. Who would do that.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Berlin, January 29 1933[CJra]".
To say journal11:
say "On a steam-ship from London. Bored with Europe, and hoping there are fewer explosions in America. Explosions and wars bore me now.[paragraph break]Crossing the channel from France to England was pure joy, however. It had been forever since I had felt the Faceless Lords of the Night lift me airborn on a broomstick like that; much more pleasant than the Translocation spell. I didn't even bother to hide from the ships passing underneath, and I even stopped to take a truly epic shit down the open hatch of a surfaced U-boat after stopping for a very greasy plate of spaetzle in occupied France. Wish I could have seen the faces of the soldiers inside as THAT torpedo was delivered.[paragraph break]Corresponded with family in New York via long-range psychic screams, in-between hiding in subway tunnels in London during the bombings. The New York Cragnes speak well of the New Country. Apparently you can just out and SAY you're a witch these days, and nobody will give a single shit! They just keep drinking. I am excited to experience this brave new world and bilk the gullible drunken fools who inhabit it.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T. Cragne, Mid-Atlantic, June 1944[CJra]".
To say journal12:
say "By the great green balls of Satan's Fraternal Star-Twin, I am BORED. New York is BORING.[paragraph break]They THINK they're cosmopolitan, they THINK they're the best of the world here, but NO ONE who had seen Vienna in full splendor (before Napoleon burned it down, like the great French tit that he was) would think of this as ANYTHING but a provincial backwater compared to the jewel of the Empire.[paragraph break]Oooo, you have tall buildings. A pox on your tall buildings! I have seen the living spires of Carcosa! I have seen the non-Euclidean bones of Sleeping R'yleh rising from the Marianas Trench by dawn! I am unimpressed by tall things, New York! I have seen taller things while pawing through owl shit for bone-omens! [paragraph break]You can't even make a proper sausage. And when you DO produce one of your shitty sausages for inspection, New York, you immediately cover it with tomato leavings like you're some kind of simple cretin from Tuscany who couldn't find real food with both roughly callused hands and a map. Tomato leavings! On a sausage! For shame.[paragraph break]My family is boring me as well. The New York branch is feuding with the Vermont and Boston branches, while the Texarkana branch eats popcorn from the sidelines and sells djinn wishes and leprechaun drugs to whoever's currently on the outs to keep the feud going. I've seen all this before, in the old country. The one interesting thing I have to report is that H promised me a seat on the Varigated Council and enough spell resources to create a new familiar if I were to betray New York and kill L. I'd have to move to Vermont, though. Thinking about it.[paragraph break]Bored. Bored bored boring boredom. Bored.[paragraph break]-K. T., New Ybored, June Whatever, 19meh[CJra]".
To say journal13:
say "I never thought I'd come to like it here, but I must finally admit that Vermont is very pretty during the fall. Reminds me of Vienna, and also the orange-and-gold innards of those humanoid creatures from Saturn, the ones that squawk like pelicans when you summon them. They are also very pretty in the fall, although they make a smell like the last hours of a Saxon orgy when you cut them open to get at the colorful innards I mentioned. And it releases an obscene amount of helium in the process. Voice is funny for weeks and your hands are stained saffron for twice as long. I digress.[paragraph break]Vermont. Pretty. Fall. Family. This is my fourth year as the Mazarine Alderman on the Council and I'm still angry about it. I pointed out to H and Z that I helped found the second new council after the fall of the Roman Empire, for fuck's sake. A Cragne of my skill and stature deserved *at least* Coquelicot, if not Sarcoline. And it's not like I asked for Murex right off the bat. So I patiently explained that Mazarine was the Alderman position for fresh-faced toddlers and/or the Irish. When that failed to move them I threatened, and then I begged.[paragraph break]But no, I am Mazarine Alderman in the end, as if I was some assfaced Burgomeister out of Munich with two wooden legs and no dick, and not one of the most accomplished Cragnes of the last five hundred years. I am livid, still.-Konstantin Teufelheim Cragne, Mazarine-bloody-Alderman, Vermont, September 30 1967[CJra]".
To say journal14:
say "I think a Sicilian clown was Mazarine Alderman once. Hell, I've heard of Incan mummies who got buried with their gonads in their mouths and make ball-sounds when they speak that have ended up with better positions on the council than I've got. I met a fucking *crow* once that was a more important Alderman than Mazarine. A *crow*. It wasn't even part of the family, it was *adopted*.[paragraph break]No matter. I have more important things to deal with for now, like finding a source of civilian funds to help create my familiar. The **vi* still refuses to front me cash, just keeps shaking his head when I summon him before pointing at my crotch and my chin, the uppity fuck.[paragraph break]-Konstantin, Still Mazarine, Vermont, October 12 1968[CJra]".
To say journal15:
say "The familiar-crafting has taken longer than expected. This is due to having to be Bob.[paragraph break]I had no social security information or work history when I came to Vermont, and I've been told in no uncertain terms not to ensnare the locals with witch-eyes or addictive bodily secretions if I can help it. Or bludgeon too many of them to death for their wallets. Or the tourists either. 'Don't shit where you eat' and all that. The Council has said nothing about skin-wearing though.[paragraph break]Regarding skin-wearing: if you can coil yourself up tightly and flatly enough, you can fit your whole adult humanself into the layer of viscera between the skin and the skeletal muscle of a different human. There's a sort of bag made out of ligament that you can wrap yourself around, and then you can manipulate the other body by undulating your rolled-up self against it. Conceptually similar to that branch of yoga where your yoga mat is alive and fights you between asanas. Any rate, I needed human money so I captured a man named Bob and started wearing him like a pantsuit. He's a local boss at the meat-packing plant, but I haven't been able to work there yet since I had to wait a few weeks for Bob to stop continually screaming into the part of my leg that's wrapped around his mouth-muscles because it's distracting. He finally tired, though. I am excited for my first day of work as Bob.[paragraph break]-Konstantin Cragne/Bob, Vermont, May 15 1972[CJra]".
To say journal16:
say "I was initially very excited to work at the meat-packing plant because I heard they made Viennese sausages. Imagine my rage when I found out what 'Vienna Sausages' actually were. No self-respecting Austrian would be caught dead with one of these mixed-meat cigarettes between their lips. I almost burned the whole plant down with conjured hellfire on the spot, but I'm too close to getting my familiar, and if I'm honest I find my bumpkin coworkers conceptually interesting if not intellectually stimulating.[paragraph break]-Konstantin T./Bob, Vermont, May 15 1972[CJra]".
To say journal17:
say "Using the same bathroom as the plebian meatsmiths who wallow back and forth in this factory of lies and sausage failure has become tiresome, so I have fashioned my own lavatory from raw cometary atoms at the farthest reaches of the solar system. There is a fantastic view there of the nemesis rock of Yuggoth which will one day impact and devour the Earth! And a padded seat and a phonograph on which I can listen to my old wax recordings! Also, I added some air so that I can actually listen to music, and so that Bob can breathe.[paragraph break]Afterwards, I made the new restroom translocationally accessible from the meatpacking restroom, and then restricted worker access to the toilet on the Earth side of the portal. This prevents potentially hazardous dimensional leakage, but more importantly keeps the unwashed masses from using my restroom. There have been some complaints from the workers about having to make other toilet arrangements. The complaints did not cease when I pointed out that, historically speaking, shitting into buckets behind one's place of work used to be considered a luxury. The people of this era are spoiled.[paragraph break]In other news, I have begun work on my new familiar. The pentagram is inscribed, although I suspect that I am a few years out from the other requirements. - K Cragne, Vermont, December 22 1974[CJra]".
To say journal18:
say "Curse all the gods and the frozen gargantuan mollusc-things in the black gulfs between stars that pretend to be gods! There must be a way to make this work.[paragraph break]The familiar spell is complex, and admittedly I am trying something that has not been done before to my knowledge, but it still should work. All this version of the spell requires (aside from the gold and complex spell-matrices and a few other odds and ends) is at least one being with a soul that will serve as the template for the familiar.[paragraph break]And who among us would believe, even for a moment, that my 1976 cherry red Pontiac Firebird Trans Am does not contain a soul? Who among us could slide gently atop those black leather seats, naked as a newborn babe and twice as hungry, wrap our trembling hands around the wheel and feel the engine turn over and hear the throaty rumble as we rev the gas, and honestly believe that this beautiful machine is soulless?[paragraph break]I knew as soon as I saw it at the dealership. It was those curves. That power. The noise. The feeling you get deep in your genitals when you throw the e-brake while sqeauling the tires doing doughnuts in the crowded parking lot of the Alpha Beta, as the salesman riding shotgun screams like a neutered cat and begs to be freed from the spinning death cage. This is clearly a machine designed by Satan for His Own People. Even Bob loves it, and all Bob does anymore is scream endlessly in his own head for the sweet release of death. I had to procure one of these cars.[paragraph break]More than that. I had to make one my familiar. But I cannot get the thrice-damned spell to work on my car.[paragraph break]-Konstantin/Bob, Vermont, June 12 1975[CJra]".
To say journal19:
say "It was simple, in the end. If my 1976 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am did not have a suitable soul, then I would give it one. All it required was a modification to the old Translocation spell and a suitable partner, which at first proved more difficult than expected.[paragraph break]I thought about using Bob, but his soul is far too soft to reside in my Trans Am. And I thought about Bob's boss, Mr. Gambretti, but I've grown to like the man and respect him as a superior, at least as regards packaging sausages. Who knew that I would ever believe a Genoese could be trusted with machinery more complex than a ball and cup game? American egalitarianism must be seeping into my bones.[paragraph break]A perfect answer for the soul problem walked right onto the factory floor. A bad-tempered racehorse that had been a contender in the Kentucky Derby was sold to us for the purposes of gelatin, and I was given the rendering job. The name of this equine beast was Rowdy Tumnus, and he was in his own way as gorgeous and spirited as my Pontiac. He had murdered his previous owner with a series of kicks to the head, abdomen and groin before being sent to us, and tried to bite the dick off of everyone we passed on the way to the slaughter room. Then he broke free from the restraints twice before we could use the pneumatic gun on him, and in-between the dick biting during one escape he went out of his way to put a hoof through Gambretti's office window. A horse that would destroy property out of spite! Rowdy Tumnus was perfect.[paragraph break]I performed the spells right in the lavatory (the plebian lavatory, I have no wish to get horse guts on my private fixtures orbiting Yuggoth), which was somewhat private and also had a drain in case the spell went wrong. It went off with only a single minor hitch, and the vicious soul of Rowdy Tumnus was transfered to my Firebird which was parked outside. In turn, the vicious soul of my Firebird was transferred to the body of Rowdy Tumnus. Success! I haven't been this excited since I let those zombies loose in the brothels of Prague![paragraph break]-K.T./Bob, Vermont, June 23 1975[CJra]".
To say journal20:
say "That one hitch I mentioned: during the soul-swap, both the skeleton of Rowdy Tumnus and the transmission of my Pontiac were vaporized for some reason. So I was left with the immortal and still-living fleshy bits of a killer horse flopping about on the floor of the factory's garderobe, and a muscle-car familiar that is stuck in first gear until I can find a mechanic who can peer into the Astral plane.[paragraph break]Frustrating, but we work with what we have. I spent an hour stuffing the sack-like remains of Rowdy Tumnus down the shower drain, along with the pulped body of a coworker who stumbled upon that grim tableau before being attacked and suffocated by the aforementioned murderous half-horse. Then I drove my familiar home. - Konstantin, Vermont, June 24 1975[CJra]".
To say journal21:
say "Despite my best efforts, I've been unable to coax the boneless Rowdy Tumnus back out of the plant's plumbing for long enough to lead him out of the plant or banish him. Part of this is difficulty securing effective bait; he appears to prefer human flesh to apples or sugar cubes now, which isn't something that I can just purchase at the local market. At least not the public one.[paragraph break]That being the case, I've decided to bind him to guard my private bathroom and sorcerous implements. He seems happy enough in the pipes, and as I have an errand on a parallel timeline in space that requires my attention, I'd prefer that none of the local mullet-wearing peasantry lay hams to my commode while I'm out sorcering. I suspect that Tumnus will end up killing at least a few of them who try, despite my warnings to the plant management. Ah well. I've supplied Edward with a Tanslocation Incantation to banish Tumnus somewhere, should the need arise. He'll have to source most of the spell components himself, but Edward is.. well Edward is my apprentice and I'm sure he'll manage the horse. -Konstantin T. Cragne, October 10 1975[CJjf]"
Part 2 - Rowdy Tumnus The Boneless Horse
The CJstall can be Tumhoofed or Untumhoofed. The CJstall is UnTumhoofed.
At the time when Rowdy starts pacing:
now Rowdy Tumnus is outsidethestallnow.
At the time when Rowdy Tumnus tumhoofs the player:
if the player is not in the CJstall:
say "The horse surges forward and flails its boneless noodle-limbs wildly, catching you in the chest with a fist-sized hoof. You're thrown against the stall; shaking it and throwing the stall door open. You haul yourself to your feet as the flabby bag of horse pulls itself across the floor towards you. What do you do??";
now the CJstall is open;
Tumnus rears in 0 turn from now;
else if the player is in the CJstall:
if the CJstall is open:
say "The horse moves next to the stall and lashes out with a single hoof through the open door. It catches you square in the chest: you're thrown back against the toilet, knocking the air out of your lungs and shaking some plaster loose from the wall behind the toilet. The horse rears back the hoof for a second strike. What do you do??";
Tumnus hoofs you hard in 0 turn from now;
otherwise:
say "The stall shudders as the horse strikes the door from the outside. The Elder Sign on the back of the door flares brightly for a moment, and the door holds. Thank fuck some eldritch-horror-savvy meatpacking employee throught to inscribe a protective rune in here.";
now the CJstall is Tumhoofed;
Rowdy starts pacing in one turn from now.
At the time when Tumnus rears:
if the player is not in the CJstall:
say "The boneless horse shudders. Then it jerks every muscle at once, coiling, then jacknifing up like a sausage being set on one end. It rears above you, hooved forelimbs (or backlimbs, you can't tell at this angle) pedaling in the air as it snaps and wreathes and tries to stay upright. It totters. The shadow of a boneless horse falls over you.";
Tumnus kills you in 0 turn from now;
else if the player is in the CJstall:
if the CJstall is open:
say "The horse moves next to the stall and lashes out with a single hoof through the open door. It catches you square in the chest: you're thrown back against the toilet, knocking the air out of your lungs and shaking some plaster loose from the wall behind the toilet. The horse rears back the hoof for a second strike.";
Tumnus hoofs you hard in 0 turn from now;
otherwise:
say "The stall shudders as the horse strikes the door from the outside. The Elder Sign on the back of the door flashes brightly, and the door holds. Thank fuck some eldritch-horror-savvy meatpacking employee throught to inscribe a protective rune in here.";
now the CJstall is Tumhoofed;
Rowdy starts pacing in one turn from now.
At the time when Tumnus hoofs you hard:
if the CJstall is open:
say "The horse lashes out again with a fist-sized hoof at the end of a boneless horse-leg. Time slows as it arcs through the air. It hits you square in the face, and you feel something in your forehead snap. Your legs give out and you slide downwards against the wall of the bathroom stall. The horse whips its boneless head around and around in triumph, eyes wild and crazy, mouth foaming. 'Br-NN-NN-NN-NN-NN!' it neighs, making a noise like a car. Then it reaches in to gently nibble on you, like you were a sugar cube, as you lose consciousness for the last time.";
end the story saying "You have died on the can after being kicked by a horse in the bathroom stall of a meatpacking plant, just like that one crazy fortune-telling baglady warned you would happen, why didn't you just give her a dollar like she asked you cheap, chea......";
otherwise:
say "The stall shudders as the horse strikes the door from the outside. The Elder Sign on the back of the door flashes brightly, and the door holds. Thank fuck some eldritch-horror-savvy meatpacking employee throught to inscribe a protective rune in the here.";
now the CJstall is Tumhoofed;
Rowdy starts pacing in one turn from now.
At the time when Tumnus kills you:
if the player is not in the CJstall:
say "The rearing boneless horse falls forward in a graceless jacknife. The fleshy rubbery mass of the thing knocks you to the ground and the breath from your lungs. You try to wriggle free, but there is Only Horse above you. You try to take a breath but there is Only Horse to fill your mouth and nose with. You try to bite, to hit, but there is no space for it. Only Horse.[paragraph break]The last things you experience before you lose consciousness are the sounds of an engine gently revving somewhere on the other side of this horse, and a boneless mouth gnawing on your foot like it was a sugar cube made of You.[paragraph break]'BR-RN-nn-nnnnnnn........'. Then nothing. Only Horse now, in this bathroom. Only Horse.";
end the story saying "You have been killed by a boneless horse a bathroom, just like that one crazy baglady warned you about, why didn't you listen why do you never liste......";
otherwise:
if the CJstall is closed:
say "You hear the sound of two thousand pounds of horse muscle and fat hitting the bathroom floor. It sounds like God slapping a giant thigh. The Elder sign flashes brightly, presumably in protection of the stall. Thank fuck some eldritch-horror-savvy meatpacking employee throught to inscribe a protective rune in here.[paragraph break][italic type]*907 kilos of horse, if you use metric[roman type]";
otherwise:
say "You watch from the stall as the rearing boneless horse falls forward in a graceless jacknife, right on the spot of bathroom floor that you were just standing. It makes a sound when it hits like a pudding truck crashing into a brick wall. That was almost you, standing under that pudding truck.[paragraph break]The horse picks its head up, looks at you with murder in its eyes and starts lashing out through the open stall door with giant hooves at the end of its boneless tentacle-like whip-legs. One just barely misses your head! What do you do??";
Tumnus hoofs you hard in 0 turn from now.
Check going east when the location is PLA2:
if Rowdy Tumnus is betweenyou:
if the CJplayerproxy is invoid:
say "You can't go east or anywhere else for that matter because you're in fucking space and there is no east west north south up or down oh god you're going to die here you're going to die in space." instead;
else if the CJplayerproxy is onbeach:
say "There's nothing but more beach that way. Beach and trilobites." instead;
else:
say "You can't, a giant boneless horse is between you and the exit. It's flexing back and forth like an obscene slinky and lashing out at you with hooves and a toothless maw while making car noises: 'br-Rnn-NN-NN-NN!'" instead.
Rowdy Tumnus is scenery. The printed name of Rowdy Tumnus is "horrible boneless horse". The indefinite article of Rowdy Tumnus is "the". The description of Rowdy Tumnus is "It's a horse. It used to be a horse. Oh god it's a horse. A big boneless horse, huge toothless jaw snapping at the air and crazy horse-eyes rolling around in the sockets of a flaccid, skull-less horse head.[paragraph break]It's like if you took a horse and flattened it, deflated it, took all the bones out and spread the horse over the floor like jam over toast except it can MOVE and it's a HORSE. It wriggles and snaps like a snake moving sideways, undulating jerkily, snapping the front legs and then the back legs, all one big coil of muscle and skin and organs and no bones. It is coming towards you. It is coming for you.". Understand "horse" as Rowdy Tumnus. Understand "boneless" and "boneless horse" as Rowdy Tumnus. Understand "horrible" and "horrible boneless" and "horrible horse" as Rowdy Tumnus.
Rowdy Tumnus can be freshout or pacingaround. Rowdy Tumnus is freshout.
Rowdy Tumnus can be StuckinToilet. Rowdy Tumnus can be outsidethestallnow or nostallleft. Rowdy Tumnus is nostallleft.
Instead of touching Rowdy Tumnus: say "Flabby, and sort of sac-like. Eeeeururrrgh".
Instead of listening to Rowdy Tumnus: say "The giant boneless horse is making horrible car engine revving noises, with an occasional sputter like a spark plug needs replacing.".
Instead of smelling Rowdy Tumnus: say "Leathery, with a hint of toilet bowl cleanser. It was living in the pipes, after all.".
Rowdy Tumnus can be inspacenow or inpastnow or inPLA2now. Rowdy Tumnus is inPLA2now.
Rowdy Tumnus can be inthewall, inyourface, or alreadygone. Rowdy Tumnus is inthewall. Rowdy Tumnus can be propernamedyes.
Before opening the CJstall when the CJstall is closed and the player is in the CJstall:
if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2:
say "Hell no. There's a murderous sack of horse out there, with spite where its bones should be, and that wierd eldritch symbol on the stall door seems to be the only thing keeping it from hoofing you to death.";
stop the action.
Before opening the CJstall when the CJstall is closed and the player is on the CJtoilet:
if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2:
say "You briefly open the door to see if there's still a boneless murderhorse out there. It immediately lashes out at you with many heavy and very solid hooves at your relatively squishy body.";
end the story saying "Yup, still a boneless murderhorse out there. Good to know. Good to know.";
stop the action.
Before exiting from the CJstall when Rowdy Tumnus is pacingaround:
say "Hell no. There's a murderous sack of horse out there, with spite where its bones should be.";
stop the action.
After looking when the location is PLA2 and Rowdy Tumnus is inyourface:
if the CJplayerproxy is inroom:
say "Oh and there's a giant boneless horse[if Rowdy Tumnus is propernamedyes] named Rowdy Tumnus[end if] [if the player is in the CJstall and the CJstall is closed]that you can hear outside the stall, [end if]shlorping and oozling around the room, flailing and biting and making car engine noises.".
Every turn when the location is PLA2 and Rowdy Tumnus is outsidethestallnow:
if the CJplayerproxy is install:
if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2:
if the CJstall is closed:
if a random chance of 1 in 3 succeeds:
say "The boneless horse oozles and schlorps around the stall, occasionally smacking it with a hoof, still making car engine noises. 'Br-RN-NN-NN-NN-NN!'. The Elder Sign holds. For now.".
Rowdy Tumnus can be betweenyou or notbetweenyou. Rowdy Tumnus is notbetweenyou.
CJscreaming is an action applying to nothing. Understand "scream" as CJscreaming when the location is PLA2. Carry out CJscreaming: say "That's not a verb I recognize.[if the CJplayerproxy is not invoid] But it probably should be.[else if the CJplayerproxy is invoid] Besides, you're in space, nobody could hear you anyway.[end if]".
The vintage issue of Juggs Magazine can be CJsacrificed.
CJattacking is an action applying to two things. Understand "attack [something] with [something]" as CJattacking when the location is PLA2. Understand "sacrifice [something] with [something]" and "stab [something] with [something]" as CJattacking when the location is PLA2. Understand "cut [something] with [something]" as CJattacking when the location is PLA2. Understand "shank [something] with [something]" as CJattacking when the location is PLA2.
Before cutting something when the location is PLA2:
say "Try 'attack [the noun] with something' instead.";
stop the action.
Instead of attacking something when the location is PLA2:
say "Try 'attack [the noun] with something' instead.";
stop the action.
The CJscroll can be CJread. The CJscroll is CJread. After reading the CJscroll: now the CJscroll is CJread.
Carry out CJattacking:
if the second noun is the bloodstained witch-knife:
if the noun is Rowdy Tumnus:
say "You stab [if Rowdy Tumnus is propernamedyes]Rowdy Tumnus [else]the boneless horse[end if] square in the body-sack. That doesn't seem to do anything so you stab it again. And again. Then you wiggle the knife around a little in there. Pretty soon you're elbow-deep in horse, still trying to hit a vital organ bingo, when the thing lashes out at you with a kick and nearly breaks your arm.[paragraph break]Okay then, stabbing the horse won't work. Next plan.";
else if the noun is the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine:
if the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is on the CJpentagram:
if the CJpentagram is CJpentagramon:
say "'Sorry about this, Glinda' you say, stabbing downward with the witch-knife into the magazine on the pentagram. The ghost-flames flare brightly and suddenly become fiery arms, twisting and turning around the vintage issue of Juggs and then pulling it down forcefully into the surface of the pentagram. It vanishes, and the magic flames return to (locally relative) normal. Well at least they've got some 'articles' to 'read' to in Hell now.";
now the vintage issue of Juggs Magazine is nowhere;
now the vintage issue of Juggs is CJsacrificed;
else:
say "The pentagram isn't activated. Maybe activate it first.";
else:
say "[if the CJscroll is CJread]Interesting. Yeah you may be on to something. But the scroll said something about where that had to happen.[else]Stab Glinda? But why?[end if]";
else if the noun is the player:
say "[if Rowdy Tumnus is in PLA2]Look I know a giant boneless murderhorse recently burst through the wall of a bathroom while you were trying to use it, and I know what that can do to a person psychologically. Believe me I do. But things are't that desperate yet and you need to stay strong.[else]Granted it has been a trying day but I don't think things are that dire.[end if]";
else:
say "You can't really see a good reason to attack that with the blood-stained witchknife at the moment.";
else:
if the noun is Rowdy Tumnus:
say "You attack [if Rowdy Tumnus is propernamedyes]Rowdy Tumnus [else]the boneless horse[end if] with [the second noun]! It does a spectacular amount of nothing. You could hit this thing with a car and it wouldn't do anything. It's possible someone HAS hit it with a car.";
else:
say "You attack [the noun] with [the second noun] for a second, which is fun and gets some energy out but doesn't do anything for you.".
Before CJattacking the CJphonograph:
if the CJphonograph is CJfucked:
if the CJwaxcylinder is part of the CJphonograph:
say "You fruitlessly swat the phonograph with [the second noun] but it stubbornly continues to play music. Maybe just take the wax cylinder?";
stop the action.
Part 3 - The Commentary
The commentary of PLA2 is "This room is dedicated to every brave soul who has ever been killed by a horse in a bathroom, whether that horse had bones or not. And also to Clark Ashton Smith, he of weird tales and weirder cosmic fables across space and time.".